Make making out great again
Embrace embarrassment and care less about what others think
By NEVAEH KARRAKER — nakarraker@ucdavis.edu
There exists in our current social zeitgeist a sense of performance in intimacy — a competition of who can participate more in a nihilistic culture that demands exercising sexual liberation without commitment. It reduces romance to an all-or-nothing transitional action that must provide a benefit of some sort. Oftentimes, the profit is social status and approval.
However, this increased social status is exceedingly misogynistic; sexual flaunting is practically a marker of masculine social status. An establishment of dominance elevates a man’s ranking in their friend group as well as improves self-confidence.
On the other hand, if a woman chooses to engage in the same sexual activities that men do, it usually harms her reputation — always sexualized, but never allowed to be sexual. In other words, if a woman engages in hookup culture she’s labeled as promiscuous, but if she’s in a relationship she dabbles in anti-feminism. The latter is attributable to heterofatalism — a woman’s insight of heterosexual dating and her associated embarrassment — which has been integrated into the modern dating climate; a woman sharing about her personal relationship is ignominiously perceived as boastful. Not only is this cultural concept an inadvertent jab at those who have been unsuccessful in dating, but it directly prevents women from obtaining the societal validation men acquire from hookup culture — a system that benefits men.
There is always a risk that any moment of our lives could be recorded, permanently posted and subject to judgment. This extreme awareness results in a psychological phenomenon known as the Hawthorne effect, where individuals behave differently when under observation. It permeates every decision and is what precisely fuels the current nonchalance epidemic. This is an apathetic attitude that emphasizes emotional detachment and society awards approval the less you care about something, bottlenecking into hookup culture. With a one-night stand, we get to tell the story how we want — a curated account — devoid of unsolicited scrutiny. Nowadays, that battle for privacy is a rare luxury due to social media. Hookup culture thus allows us to control the narrative and mitigate others' perception of us amidst misogyny and saturated indifference.
Changing the way we approach intimacy requires confronting the core problem: an internalized culture of judgment that heralds detachment over connection. This has created a society of numbed individuals whose romantic performance extends into interpersonal performance. We tend to give strangers too much authority when it comes to how we live — whether it’s over who we date or, on the broader scale, how we fundamentally live. Women, for example, are objectified in inherently sexual settings, but also in completely nonsexual actions. Any expression of femininity can be humiliating — to have a boyfriend, to talk loudly, to try new hobbies and to simply exist without sensing lascivious heat from a sea of eyes.
Clearly, this misogynistic system is biased. So, we must decenter it altogether; the efforts we make to impress others is entirely pointless. In reality, strangers have no authority to interfere or judge the enthusiasm we outwardly display. My goal to “make making out great again,” then, is more than just about unapologetically locking lips with strangers just to disown the shame associated with intimacy. It insists that authenticity is not a shameful theatric, but a declaration of emotional vulnerability and a willingness to embrace embarrassment. We have the freedom to express ourselves by loving without guilt, dancing without shame and living without performing for anyone.
Further, society must redefine romance to favor a slow intimacy in lieu of whiplash-inducing hookups. We need to restore the ordinance of focusing on the rhythm of a conversation and the tension of flirtatious banter without the pressure of it leading anywhere; a kiss should be treated with care and significance, and should be a privilege rather than an expectation.
The most radically rebellious choice we can make in a climate designed around performance is to refuse to let the fear of embarrassment prevent us from immersing ourselves in daily enjoyment. Let yourself care less about what others think.
Written by: Nevaeh Karraker—nakarraker@ucdavis.edu
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