Opinion

Did anyone else catch that sermon President Obama gave the other day? It was cleverly disguised as a commencement speech for the graduating class of Notre Dame.On May17,amidst complaints and protests from Notre Dame alumni and other Catholics,Barack Obama received an honorary degree and gave such a moving,passionate speech that I honestly felt like I was sitting in church just by watching it on YouTube.

Many of us are conditioned from the get-gothat going to collegeis the key to success.If you work hardandgetyour undergraduatedegree,thenyouare on the fast track to livin‘ the good life.This is America,damn it,and we can be whatever we want to be. Well,this is indeed America,but whatthose in the graduating class of2009likely failed to account for intheir collectivedreams was graduating amidst the hail of the worst economicstorm since the Great Depression.

Well my minions,with just two more columns to go,I feel like I have so much left to say.Alas,after writing many advice columns,I’ve decided that this one will be my last, “How to…” article. I’ve realized that over the years,my columns usually revolve around some aspect of a shitty relationship (I suppose because it’s so easy to obtain one).But with one last piece of advice to give,I want to leave on an optimistic note about the one thing I know a little bit about (but not by choice of course) – and that is how to be so awesomely single.

As college students,we’re often forced to endure difficult situations that we would rather simply avoid,postponeor ignore. We can all imagine how much easier our lives would be if turning our back on an especially rough midterm and running for the hills without consequence were considered a viable option.Unfortunately,our society has taught us the importance of personal accountability,and we know that such reckless inaction and negligence would be catastrophic when it came to impacting our public image.

Much like the secret menu at In-N-Out,sometimes you have to be “in-the-know” to get the full benefits of things.Granted,you’re not exactly cognizant of what you’re missing,but those with the information understand how much better life is with animal and protein styles.The same goes for the secret menu at Jamba Juice (though I’m partial to the old classics),and even more for the things on campus that you have to be aware of to enjoy.

So last week I promised to give you some reporter tips,and here they are! Whenlast we leftour hero (you),you had developed a story idea that an editor of a publication you’re aware of would want to print in their fine publication.What’s next?

The American Way has never been the only way– it’s just taught like it is.Inherent and obvious flaws in American capitalism have bred in the wealthiest1percent a paranoid fear of an alternative economic system having any kind of success.After attempting to stop the Russian Revolution of1917,this country’s owners decided to do all they could to run Soviet Communism into the ground.

So the United States tortures.I guess what I’m trying to understand is why that’s even news.The United States tortures? Fuck yeah we torture! We’re the world’s lone super-power with the most expansive espionage apparatus the world has ever seen.

Super Senior, So I’ve gota date lined up this weekend,and she wants to watch a movie.The catch is that she’s making me pick one,but we haven’t been dating longand I’ve got no idea what to go with.Any suggestions? – Ghost of Siskel

There are tons of relationship tips lurking around in places like magazines, books, the Internetand just about everyone you know. With this overabundance of tips, it is no surprise that some of them aren’t really true. Below, I have listed four myths regarding what it takes to create a healthy relationship and what they should be instead.

Even in political asylum John Edwards cannot stop stealing the limelight.Earlier last week a federal investigation was launched against him for the potential abuse of public funds during his presidential election.His wife Elizabeth is currently promoting her bookResilience about the personal travails she underwent while her husband committed infidelity.For the man who seems almost politically irrelevant,the image of the smiling politician seems pretty alive in public consciousness. But perhaps the most surprising reaction to his infidelity is their very ferocity.

It’s hard not to get twitchy when all your jackass friends from high school are using theInternetto brag about the fact that they’re a final away from escaping the tyrannical government/heathens/potato famine of academia and making it across to the sweet statue of summer liberty,but if you want to look on the flipside,once you finish your midterms you can use the final weeks of school to enjoy Davis at its peak.Those pretty water polo boys are cruisin‘ on their cruisers,so it must be springtime.