Humor

Hi everyone on the newspaper! I have not used a keyboard before because my mom does not let me but I came to write a story about why I know Santa is real. Also I am sorry because I am only five years old so sorry if I don’t have good handwriting. First, I went […]

But you really wanted to be there though! In 2019 the Irish Exit was simple: float out of a gathering you no longer want to be a part of like a ghost. Some argue it’s bad etiquette––I argue that it’s a humble move. There are no awkward goodbyes or falsities like: “Man, I really wish […]

The case for giving malaria a gun We’re all tired of this pandemic. The doctors have tried to solve this problem with their curve-flattening, freedom-violating restrictions. The experts have tried to solve the problem from their ivory towers with their Harvard degrees. We don’t want to wait around for a vaccine. It’s time to solve […]

“This costs how much?” According to UC Davis’ Schedule Builder website, “course material and service fees have been waived for the Winter 2021 Quarter and will not be charged (except for some professional schools program fees).” As such, UC Davis students have collaborated to take the most expensive classes they can before the university realizes […]

History rhymes In the weeks after the 2020 election, an unnamed senior GOP official made the following statement regarding the Republican Party’s willingness to entertain President Donald Trump’s baseless, unsubstantiated, evidence-free claims of voter fraud and support his laughable, ludicrous lawsuits: “What is the downside for humoring him for this little bit of time? No […]

Justice Kavanaugh asked to sit out Setting a landmark precedent for federal decorum, the Supreme Court of the U.S. (SCOTUS) voted on two measures last Sunday: One to hold a “Sunday Barbecue” day and another to divide the court into two teams for their next ruling, “just to make things interesting.” Both measures were approved […]

Blames Trump On Oct. 2, 2020, upon hearing the news that President Donald Trump had contracted COVID-19, Ethan Matthews turned to social media to gloat. The enthusiastic President-elect Joe Biden supporter blasted the president with tweets like, “Looks like Don the Con got what he deserved!” and “Maybe you should have worn a mask COVID-Donnie!”  […]

One in six students believe they are the next Hasan Minhaj despite not being funny or politically savvy “You want to do stand-up comedy?” a classmate asked third-year student Monica Flowers, incredulously. “Who do you think you are, Hasan Minhaj? Flowers froze. She never thought to compare herself to Minhaj, a UC Davis alumnus with […]

I missed you so, so much America Hello, my little American mortals. It’s me, Miss C. Rona. The virus formerly known for causing COVID-19. You used to be terrified of me, remember? It’s been a few weeks since we’ve chatted, I know. I’ve been busy, not that you care. I’ve had to make a few […]

If fabricated claims of voter fraud don’t work, a bit of the ol’ extortion might As President Donald Trump’s “voter fraud” lawsuits are summarily dismissed and laughed out of court, one thing that judges of facts-versus-fiction aren’t laughing about is the passing of beloved Jeopardy host Alex Trebek. Trebek passed away at age 80 earlier […]

May said he feels left out Late last month, it was reported that the UC system admitted 64 students due to their connections with staff or donors. The audit was only done on four UC campuses: UC Berkeley, UCLA, UC San Diego and UC Santa Barbara. It was notable, however, that Richard Blum, a UC […]

If white folks like doing it this much, it’s gotta be fun. “The best way to punish a wicked system within capitalism is to use capital––your dollar,” begins Michael Render, the hip-hop superstar better known as “Killer Mike”. “Show that systemic racism is bad for money, it’s bad for business.” I nod my head and […]