Humor

The groundhog questions: How did it go so wrong? It’s Feb. 2—Groundhog Day. Punxsutawney Phil, the man, the myth, the legend and most importantly by literal definition none of those three things, is removed from his tree hole by a bunch of old white dudes in top hats. It is announced to the world that […]

I mean, if I’m not getting yeeted off my bike once a quarter, why am I paying to go here? Throughout the COVID-19 pandemic, many Davis students have been frustrated with their current education experience. Student complaints range from “Zoom creates a difficult environment to learn and stay motivated” to “I can’t say ‘My dog […]

The only difference between you and a calendar is that the calendar had a date for Valentine’s Day I’ll be honest with you. The past few weeks leading up to Valentine’s Day were emotionally harrowing. Why are there Valentine’s Day sections in literally every business enterprise? Target? Even Trader Joe’s, are you kidding? Call me […]

Technically they’re mutants, but that didn’t sound as cool As the COVID-19 pandemic continues to rage on, many mutations of the virus have developed. Last week, however, researchers that I fabricated in my brain discovered some very strange mutant variants of the coronavirus.  While observing some of the viruses under the microscope, Dr. Stanley Trask […]

Don’t ask us where the milk comes from In a recent investigation, it was discovered that UC Davis’ iconic cows are in fact not livestock and are actually UCD students in costumes attending a class. Apparently, the general education class ASS101 (Animal Sociological Studies) requires pre-vet students to spend an entire quarter in cow suits, […]

“We just want to show students we care” With the pandemic now close to reaching the one year mark, UC Davis is determined to help struggling students. So the entire Mondavi Center has now been turned into a giant ball pit and three cheese pizzas have been ordered for the entire student body. “We wanted […]

It got kind of awkward Tom Brady just punched a ticket to his tenth Super Bowl, but this will be the first without his long-time head coach Bill Belichick. Last season, the rift between the two resulted in Brady taking his talents to Tampa Bay. With last weekend’s victory, it is evident to Brady that […]

And it’s not for the reason you think It was Jan. 4 when I walked into that Bed Bath & Beyond. I wasn’t satisfied with the pillows in the bed section, but as I was about to leave I accidentally stumbled into the beyond section. It was there waiting for me. When I bought it […]

The beginner’s guide on how to get away with buying dog food when you don’t own a dog We’ve all been there: caught red-handed buying dog food by someone who knows that you don’t own a dog. Or maybe the Trader Joe’s cashier asks what kind of dog you have after noticing the dog treat […]

I killed it The pandemic has really brought me a lot of financial anxiety recently. Even if the world economy is more anxious than I am, I still tried my best to get some kind of monetary support. So a few months ago, I decided to venture out and try to get a nose job.  […]

And much more… Weeks ago, I found a dead squirrel. You may be sitting at home reading this thinking, “This isn’t newsworthy,” or maybe even: “I think this guy killed a squirrel.” This isn’t my first rodeo—and by this I mean that I have come across many dead squirrels in my time on the planet. […]

Oh no, this is some really bad news Bad news, guys. A Pfizer employee just ruined all COVID-19 vaccines. You guys know who did it? Matthew J. Pfizer. Yeah we all knew it was him—he’s so irresponsible. We all know he only got this job because he’s a Pfizer. Nepotism. Classic.  How did this happen? […]