Humor

This is not a humor article! Well, Election Day is almost here. The news reports are aflutter with ledes like, “soon, we will know who America’s next president is.” This is misleading because we already know who the next president will be, and his name is Donald Trump. ***(Editor: “this is hilarious! can you imagine […]

The Utah Republican says “Democracy isn’t the objective” in America, so we got his opinions on the actual objectives of some other misunderstood topics A few weeks ago, Utah’s Republican Senator Mike Lee set off a controversy by tweeting, “We’re not a democracy.” He followed-up this tweet a few hours later, posting, “Democracy isn’t the […]

They’re not much better, but hey, why not? Last month a judge ruled that UC must suspend SAT and ACT scores in admissions and scholarship decisions. Apparently, there is little data to show that standardized tests are an effective way to predict academic success in college. Yes, you heard that right; the ability to correctly […]

The moderator was incredibly good and there was actually some substantive debate, but the candidates repeated certain phrases and sentence structures WAY TOO MANY TIMES Trump: If you look at what’s happening we have amazing testing that gives us more cases. 47 years, he’s been there 47 years and he hasn’t done anything! Why didn’t […]

“I’ve just been doing all this stuff, and I haven’t gotten sick” In this series of investigative pieces, The California Aggie investigates how the COVID-19 crisis has affected the lives of individuals in our community. “Tell it to me one more time,” I say, clicking my recorder on. “Alright. Now?” replies Chris Boyd, 18. “Now,” […]

Finding the middle ground, underground We all know how divisive politics can be these days. From the economy, foreign policy and whether literal human beings deserve basic human rights, there always seems to be contentious arguments that break out from political discussions. In an astounding show of democratic compromise, however, the DNC and RNC have […]

And don’t even get me started on heteronyms! When I sit down to write articles like this one, I do so under the impression that I am a “writer.” I was recently informed, however, that I am not in fact a “writer.” No, no, no, I don’t mean that I was fired. I mean that […]

You’ve really done it this time, Dave.  Dave was tired. The presidential debate on Tuesday night was nothing short of pure, unbridled trash. Dave watched it alone and much to his personal chagrin, without his cellphone (which was being repaired after he dropped it in the toilet while laughing hysterically at why the universe was […]

People love fads, but not enough to keep them around, apparently Our top reporter R.E. Porter is back from his summer cavation. No, not vacation, and not a staycation. A cavation. He spent the entire summer sitting in a cave, thinking. Despite repeated efforts to get R.E. Porter to report, he was reportedly suffering from […]

“All of us are making sacrifices, guys” Chancellor Gary May sits in his office at the top of Mrak Hall. He stands next to his window and looks across the courtyard leading to Shields Library. He rubs his forehead and talks into his phone. He is on a conference call. “We’ve been putting it off […]

“How can we keep screwing students if there’s a pandemic?” In this series of investigative pieces, The California Aggie investigates how the COVID-19 crisis has affected individual lives in our community. “Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats,” announces a hooded figure from the head of a skull-shaped table. Her throne is ash black, and […]

Guidance and wisdom for trying times — from an unlikely source Reporter R.E. Porter is typically tasked with analyzing health and science issues, reporting on leaked government documents or interviewing world leaders. But this week we thought we’d give him a break by assigning him a totally different type of story. To get some different […]