Humor

“I’ve just been doing all this stuff, and I haven’t gotten sick” In this series of investigative pieces, The California Aggie investigates how the COVID-19 crisis has affected the lives of individuals in our community. “Tell it to me one more time,” I say, clicking my recorder on. “Alright. Now?” replies Chris Boyd, 18. “Now,” […]

Finding the middle ground, underground We all know how divisive politics can be these days. From the economy, foreign policy and whether literal human beings deserve basic human rights, there always seems to be contentious arguments that break out from political discussions. In an astounding show of democratic compromise, however, the DNC and RNC have […]

And don’t even get me started on heteronyms! When I sit down to write articles like this one, I do so under the impression that I am a “writer.” I was recently informed, however, that I am not in fact a “writer.” No, no, no, I don’t mean that I was fired. I mean that […]

You’ve really done it this time, Dave.  Dave was tired. The presidential debate on Tuesday night was nothing short of pure, unbridled trash. Dave watched it alone and much to his personal chagrin, without his cellphone (which was being repaired after he dropped it in the toilet while laughing hysterically at why the universe was […]

People love fads, but not enough to keep them around, apparently Our top reporter R.E. Porter is back from his summer cavation. No, not vacation, and not a staycation. A cavation. He spent the entire summer sitting in a cave, thinking. Despite repeated efforts to get R.E. Porter to report, he was reportedly suffering from […]

“All of us are making sacrifices, guys” Chancellor Gary May sits in his office at the top of Mrak Hall. He stands next to his window and looks across the courtyard leading to Shields Library. He rubs his forehead and talks into his phone. He is on a conference call. “We’ve been putting it off […]

“How can we keep screwing students if there’s a pandemic?” In this series of investigative pieces, The California Aggie investigates how the COVID-19 crisis has affected individual lives in our community. “Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats,” announces a hooded figure from the head of a skull-shaped table. Her throne is ash black, and […]

Guidance and wisdom for trying times — from an unlikely source Reporter R.E. Porter is typically tasked with analyzing health and science issues, reporting on leaked government documents or interviewing world leaders. But this week we thought we’d give him a break by assigning him a totally different type of story. To get some different […]

Should I even talk to him? I walked by the Memorial Union last week and it was completely different. COVID-19 cleared out the campus. Except for one guy.  I walked past with my groceries, and the MU Preacher was still there — an icon of UC Davis. He held a bible in his left hand. […]

Today’s “Rant and Rave” column RANT: To all the doctors. Doctors these days, am I right? What’s the deal with them, anyway? I went to the hospital recently to see if they could check out these symptoms I’ve been having that have been driving me crazy for a week or so now. My doctor was […]

And all of them are bad Eric and Tim erupted into laughter.  “I love when you tell that story man,” Eric said. “You know what, we’re smart and funny people! We should make a podcast!” Tim replied. “You’re right. In fact…” Eric rifles through his backpack. “Let’s just do it now.” He pulls out his […]

Expanding limited voting opportunity to greater numbers of fewer people The coronavirus pandemic threatens to throw America’s elections into chaos. Luckily, Senate Republicans have proposed a brilliant plan to guarantee that our elections can safely go ahead across the country, no matter what. The bill guarantees widespread voting access for as many eligible voters as […]