Humor

A defeat to exceed the embarrassment of the nation’s 2014 loss to Germany? At the 2014 FIFA World Cup, Brazil suffered what was arguably the most humiliating and catastrophic defeat in its footballing history, losing 7-1 on home soil to Germany. Star forward Neymar was ruled out after fracturing a vertebra in his spine in […]

College Democrats upset they can’t protest it In this series of investigative pieces, The California Aggie investigates how the COVID-19 crisis has affected individual lives in our community. “This is a violation of free speech, you know.” Benson Rickman sinks into his chair. “This whole…” he gestures, “coronavirus thing.”  Rickman is the executive chair of […]

It’s nothing personal For over 40 years, I’ve lived happily just off Main Street in an affable, amiable, agreeable little town where the Bible Belt meets the Rust Belt and the rubber meets the road, doing honest, blue-collar work at an honest, blue-collar factory that specially produces the highest-quality blue collars for America’s strongest, sturdiest, […]

News from the future  “Apple, ” says Alan Chen, gesturing with his finger. “Apple,” agrees Terry Fulton, who points to the card between them. “Good.” I am sitting down at a table, observing this session and taking notes. Terry Fulton, 28, was a UC Davis student during the Great Coronavirus Outbreak of the early 2020s. […]

The worst is yet to come! Hi, I’m The Aggie’s new correspondent Corey Spondendt, and I’m temporarily filling in for our top reporter R.E. Porter, who claims to have a bad case of “Zoom neck.” But I — and you didn’t hear this from me — have a suspicion that he’s hit the bottle after […]

Testimony of a testy man being put to the test on testing Fresh out of the fiery, flaming, burning, blazing pizza oven that is the White House’s daily coronavirus press briefing, President Donald Trump emerged red hot, bothered, salty, cheesy, crusty, slightly charred, covered in tomato sauce and without olives — not even an olive […]

Giving sports fans life by denying it to others  In an unprecedented several weeks, the coronavirus pandemic has wiped the sports calendar clean. No MLB, no NBA, no NHL. No Masters, no Boston Marathon, no NASCAR, no Formula 1, no Wimbledon, no cricket and not even the Olympic Games this summer! Most significantly, there is […]

Nation relieved Once upon a time in the United States, the National Security Council had a directorate for global health security and bio-defense, but this office was eliminated by President Trump. The office was tasked with predicting, planning and preparing for the possibility of a pandemic, but how could we have possibly predicted or prepared […]

“It’s kinda dark in here” As many universities across the country force students to move out of their on-campus housing, an unlikely hero of the coronavirus pandemic has emerged: U-Haul. According to CNN, the moving and storage company “is offering 30-day free self-storage to students with college IDs.” This amazing deal kills two birds with […]

Irony deficiency threatens youth health At the local headquarters of Big Corporation, hundreds of students gathered yesterday to protest against what we at the News Paper Times described as “corrupt, exploitative and harmful practices” in our series of award-winning exposés about Big Corporation over the last year. Our very own R.E. Porter was at the […]

Clorox: when dirty politics need cleaning 6:00 a.m. Monday morning. The temporary, futile, nugatory joys of the weekend now seem like a long-lost dream, much like the one that was just violently pierced, shattered and hopelessly obliterated by the blaring perturbation of your trusty alarm clock — the only honest, reliable thing in this chaotic […]