Opinion

With the exception of cleaning up after myself, I don’t do anything half-assed. I take normal shit – shit most people would consider to be blah and mundane – and go way over the top.

My brother’s friend Peter died a few months ago in a head-on collision on a two-lane highway near the bombsite he worked at in the Mojave Desert. I got the phone call during the third act of the Third Eye festival, and left in the middle of the performance to pick it up. My brother said he was going to the funeral that coming Sunday.

Holidays are wonderful, and most people look forward to and prepare for their favorite ones. You don’t have to work, you can spend time with family, or you can go on a vacation. On top of the immediate effects of a holiday are the joyous feelings of a shared experience with millions of other people.

Being a gay individual, I get asked lots of questions. “When did you realize you were gay?” is a popular one. “How did your parents react?” gets asked a lot, too. My personal favorite is, “How many guys have you slept with?” But the question that everyone seems to want me to answer goes something like this: “So, uhh … when you and your boyfriend go out on like a date or something, who pays?”

Sometimes I wish I were a chimpanzee. I’d finally have license to fling poo at people who annoy me. I’d draw fewer weird looks when crouched in the upper branches of a tree, surveying the quad. And best of all, I’d be at least twice as strong as the average human. This would make Chimp-Beth about four times as ripped as Human-Beth, who is a total weakling. Four-year-olds routinely beat me in arm wrestling matches. Climbing stairs requires frequent time-outs. In the winter, children try to take my arms for snowman limbs.

I’m in the middle of the everyday hustle and bustle of the Sacramento International Airport.

The UC Commission on the Future revealed several strategies to cope with budget cuts and student fee increases at last month’s regent’s meeting. Some ideas are drastic, while others are vague in their predicted success.

Why am I not rejoicing over what happened last week? No matter where you were over spring break, you surely heard about the major health care reform that finally went down in Washington. Despite the Tea Party protests, national ambivalence and congressional gridlock, the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act was signed into law on Mar. 23, 2010.

After over a year of partisan back-and-forth, infighting and debate, President Barack Obama signed the final parts of the healthcare reform bill into law earlier this week.

The legacy of the UC Davis Athletics Department is that of a broad-based sports program. It was never intended to fit the Big 12 Conference model or that of the other major conferences. Instead, more teams were fielded to give student-athletes a wider variety of opportunities across the board.

Winter often found me hiding away in the lonesome spires of my manor, looking out over dark seas on moonless nights. Winter is a time for reflection and the spinning of existential carousels, for drinking whiskey by the fireplace and whispering in low tones while hiding from rancorous storms and days that end too early.

I really don’t get why anyone would catch a round of senioritis in college. Sure, there was a moment when I was finishing out all-nighter No. 2 in the basement of Bainer Hall ’round 5 a.m. when I briefly entertained the notion of just becoming a stripper. Coincidentally, a few days later I would attend a party where I found being a stripper means letting strangers eat whipped cream out of your ass crack and, well, I’m just not comfortable with that yet.