Humor

Guys, guys, guys — this is my life’s passion. For real this time BY ANNABEL MARSHALL — almarshall@ucdavis.edu  Two people crossed paths in front of the CoHo. From an outsider’s perspective, they had nothing in common, no reason to stop or even glance at each other. Two ships passing in the night.  But soulmates are […]

Those drivers have it too easy   BY ANNABEL MARSHALL — almarshall@ucdavis.edu    Lick the side of the bus.  Enter the bus by walking backward.  Read a copy of my newest book, “100 People Who Have Died Gruesome Deaths on a Public Bus.” (Signed copies are very much available.) Ask people on the top of […]

Hi, stop feeding them Oreos and half-smoked joints   BY ANNABEL MARSHALL — almarshall@ucdavis.edu    Picture this. You’re alone at a table in the Memorial Union. It’s one of those black tables, the kind typically occupied by a pre-health fraternity or some club that wants you to try underwater calisthenics or something equally unhinged. You […]

“Honestly, I expected some kind of terrible incident of global proportions. Instead I just spent a wonderful day with my parents”   By IAN COSNER — iacosner@ucdavis.edu    Yes, it’s back and hopefully better than ever! Picnic Day 2022 marks the first Picnic Day in three years, and many students are just brimming with excitement […]

Don’t let that horde of political science kids through the door. Please. BY ANNABEL MARSHALL — almarshall@ucdavis.edu   JUDGE MAY: We are here today to hear the case of Michael Plegger, a sophomore English major. Plaintiff, state your case. PLAINTIFF: Hello, your honor. My name is Dr. Kelly Garcia and I’m teaching Romanticism Literature. Michael […]

Just go to Harvard and stop blocking the bike path BY ANNABEL MARSHALL — almarshall@ucdavis.edu  I’m not here to fashion-bash nor trend-defend. I have a simple question. People here who wear clothes emblazoned with other schools’ names on them: Do you know where you attend college? It’s UC Davis. UC, like “you see”. Juicy without […]

Stop declaring your independence from me, Marcus BY ANNABEL MARSHALL — almarshall@ucdavis.edu  Guys. Dudes. Bros. Etc. I think there’s something off with my roommate. Like, the vibes are seriously off. No jokes.  We used to be fine. But recently he’s been acting weird. He said he wants me to stop jumping off the fridge and […]

Human rights minors, I’m watching you very carefully BY ANNABEL MARSHALL — almarshall@ucdavis.edu  Animal Science: Animal gravedigging. Applied Physics: First of all, what is applied physics? I apply physics every time I push someone on an electric skateboard into the street — no one has offered me a bachelor’s yet.  Art Studio: Forgery. Art History: […]

POV: You’re getting hit on by an econ major in wine-stained chinos BY ANNABEL MARSHALL — almarshall@ucdavis.edu  School has opened up, but you probably should hold off from attending a massive gathering in the poorly-ventilated, pathogenic-mold-breeding hellscape that is a frat house. Here’s a walk-through of what it’s like to hold you over: Enter. There’s […]

The power of students’ voices has gone too far BY ANNABEL MARSHALL — almarshall@ucdavis.edu  On the announced day of the online continuation, the entire student body simultaneously let out a groan of combined disappointment, relief and frustration so deafening it physically disturbed the surrounding area. Food trucks rumbled, Unitrans buses toppled and squirrels fell from […]

Check your spam folder, Ken. It’s in your contract. BY ANNABEL MARSHALL — almarshall@ucdavis.edu  Hi, guys. It’s me. I wrote this in my Notes app so you know it’s serious.  I wanted to let you know that I have realized my wrongs. I am now ready to admit I crossed a line when I asked […]

My lawful-evil film major can patronize your music taste up to 30 feet!  By ANNABEL MARSHALL — almarshall@ucdavis.edu  “I need a 12 or higher,” repeats Julie, a second-year ecology major. She’s saying it more to herself than anyone else, but the small crowd of undergrads gathered around the table nod eagerly. They’re dressed in a […]