Humor

Yeah, pregnancy is a big deal. But what if I scrape my elbow?   BY ANNABEL MARSHALL — almarshall@ucdavis.edu    What’s the worst thing that could happen as a result of sex? Unwanted pregnancy? STIs? Emotional damage? What about jamming your finger? Sixty percent of college students will injure themselves during sex, with 15% breaking […]

He keeps commenting on the “loaminess.” Is that even a thing?   By OWEN RUDERMAN — opinion@theaggie.org   Last night at my party, Brandon Flynn, a freshman in the Davis Brewing program, showed up and started telling everyone who would listen that he “actually really likes IPAs.” I don’t know who invited him, but it […]

Not literally, just metaphysically   By CARMEL RAVIV — craviv@ucdavis.edu   To be honest, I’ve been hitting the gym a lot lately and just PR’d on bench press (35 lbs), so I feel confident in my ability to take out my frustrations and show off my two months of Krav Maga practice. I’ve been eating […]

Your choice reveals characteristics about you!   BY ANNABEL MARSHALL — almarshall@ucdavis.edu    Pick an option.   Option 1: Bleh. Boo! This is the worst one of these. Everyone agrees. Nobody likes this one, so you must be a bad, not good, person.   Option 2: You’re okay. You picked the safe option, which is […]

Bicycle <3   By CARMEL RAVIV — craviv@ucdavis.edu   Transportation via bicycle is extremely popular at UC Davis. Almost too popular, if you ask me. After years of observation and careful research, I have deduced that you can tell a lot about a person by what kind of bike they ride. Here are my findings. […]

Get the senior citizens out of here   BY ANNABEL MARSHALL — almarshall@ucdavis.edu    Y’all old as hell. Get out of here. Walking around like you own the place. The only thing you own is pre-arthritic joints and an inability to answer the question, “So, what do you want to do next year?”  I know […]

Not, like, for freshmen. Hunting for freshmen. Yeah.   BY ANNABEL MARSHALL — almarshall@ucdavis.edu    It’s Thursday again, and in the Mee Room gathered around the conference table, squabbling, monologuing and occasionally throwing pens, is UC Davis’s student government. Like most nights, there are more coffee cups than people. And like every night, 90% of […]

I am not open to suggestions   BY ANNABEL MARSHALL — almarshall@ucdavis.edu   9:00 am – Read the group chat full of “Are you ready to partyyyyy!!!???!!??”  and consider going back to sleep and ignoring everyone. 10:00 am – Mimosas at Cheryl’s. Thanks for hosting Cheryl! 11:00 am  – Obviously, by this time you will […]

I can feel my mom’s disappointment fade away with every bite!   By CARMEL RAVIV — craviv@ucdavis.edu   You may have experienced a pounding headache, a dry throat and the feeling that your stomach has turned inside out while picking up breakfast from Ali Baba. Maybe you have even thrown up in the bathroom and […]

My emotional support rat must have his own room   By CARMEL RAVIV — craviv@ucdavis.edu   Hello, my name is Juke Jakeson. I am in dire need of a roommate next year for off-campus housing, and you must be in need of one too! It’s like I’m reading your mind! Ahaha.  A little about me:  […]

Looney Tunes failed me   By CARMEL RAVIV — craviv@ucdavis.edu   As a kid, I was always wary of wet sand because I was convinced it would be quicksand. I thought that stepping in it would cause me to start slowly descending into a suffocating death. The worst part about a quicksand death, I thought, […]

Picking the team with the prettiest colors ain’t gonna cut it   By CARMEL RAVIV — craviv@ucdavis.edu   We may have thought we were free from the clutches of football the day after the Rihanna concert, but I have bad news for the non-sports fans out there. Basketball. Soccer. Hockey. Formula 1. March Madness. Cricket. […]