Humor

The beginner’s guide on how to get away with buying dog food when you don’t own a dog We’ve all been there: caught red-handed buying dog food by someone who knows that you don’t own a dog. Or maybe the Trader Joe’s cashier asks what kind of dog you have after noticing the dog treat […]

I killed it The pandemic has really brought me a lot of financial anxiety recently. Even if the world economy is more anxious than I am, I still tried my best to get some kind of monetary support. So a few months ago, I decided to venture out and try to get a nose job.  […]

And much more… Weeks ago, I found a dead squirrel. You may be sitting at home reading this thinking, “This isn’t newsworthy,” or maybe even: “I think this guy killed a squirrel.” This isn’t my first rodeo—and by this I mean that I have come across many dead squirrels in my time on the planet. […]

Oh no, this is some really bad news Bad news, guys. A Pfizer employee just ruined all COVID-19 vaccines. You guys know who did it? Matthew J. Pfizer. Yeah we all knew it was him—he’s so irresponsible. We all know he only got this job because he’s a Pfizer. Nepotism. Classic.  How did this happen? […]

Hi everyone on the newspaper! I have not used a keyboard before because my mom does not let me but I came to write a story about why I know Santa is real. Also I am sorry because I am only five years old so sorry if I don’t have good handwriting. First, I went […]

But you really wanted to be there though! In 2019 the Irish Exit was simple: float out of a gathering you no longer want to be a part of like a ghost. Some argue it’s bad etiquette––I argue that it’s a humble move. There are no awkward goodbyes or falsities like: “Man, I really wish […]

The case for giving malaria a gun We’re all tired of this pandemic. The doctors have tried to solve this problem with their curve-flattening, freedom-violating restrictions. The experts have tried to solve the problem from their ivory towers with their Harvard degrees. We don’t want to wait around for a vaccine. It’s time to solve […]

“This costs how much?” According to UC Davis’ Schedule Builder website, “course material and service fees have been waived for the Winter 2021 Quarter and will not be charged (except for some professional schools program fees).” As such, UC Davis students have collaborated to take the most expensive classes they can before the university realizes […]

History rhymes In the weeks after the 2020 election, an unnamed senior GOP official made the following statement regarding the Republican Party’s willingness to entertain President Donald Trump’s baseless, unsubstantiated, evidence-free claims of voter fraud and support his laughable, ludicrous lawsuits: “What is the downside for humoring him for this little bit of time? No […]

Justice Kavanaugh asked to sit out Setting a landmark precedent for federal decorum, the Supreme Court of the U.S. (SCOTUS) voted on two measures last Sunday: One to hold a “Sunday Barbecue” day and another to divide the court into two teams for their next ruling, “just to make things interesting.” Both measures were approved […]

Blames Trump On Oct. 2, 2020, upon hearing the news that President Donald Trump had contracted COVID-19, Ethan Matthews turned to social media to gloat. The enthusiastic President-elect Joe Biden supporter blasted the president with tweets like, “Looks like Don the Con got what he deserved!” and “Maybe you should have worn a mask COVID-Donnie!”  […]

One in six students believe they are the next Hasan Minhaj despite not being funny or politically savvy “You want to do stand-up comedy?” a classmate asked third-year student Monica Flowers, incredulously. “Who do you think you are, Hasan Minhaj? Flowers froze. She never thought to compare herself to Minhaj, a UC Davis alumnus with […]