Humor

EMBRACE THE BOMBS! Ugh. I’m so bored. I just feel like making absurd amounts of cash through selling disgusting degrees of dangerous weapons to the people who helped fund 9/11. I mean, what else is there to do? I own property all over the world, I’ve been with most of the available prostitutes and porn […]

I am pleased to announce that my articles are no longer extremely offensive, and I’m no longer a horrible person I am reformed. After recently writing an extremely offensive article, getting fired by The Aggie, writing an extensive apology and getting provisionally rehired, I am beyond proud to announce that from this point forward, nothing […]

Probably the most shocking thing to come out of this year so far In a freak accident of inexplicable proportions, the Unitrans B Line arrived at the Memorial Union perfectly on time during the 1 p.m. bus rush today. “I don’t know how to describe what it’s like to get here on time for once,” […]

Written by: Rosey Morearty  — rosey@morearty.org

The devil went down to Wellman 2 For one student, getting the grades they need for grad school wasn’t a matter of hard work. Instead, it was a matter of besting the King of Air himself in a series of traditional duels: the usual good ole fashioned Satanic chess match, banjo duel and game of […]

Written by: GENEVIEVE RYAN — geryan@ucdavis.edu

Now that’s how you do the First Amendment! Recent reports revealed that the wildfires that devastated towns like Pleasure, California were not, in fact, caused by climate change or poor forest management — they were actually started by a brave pro-Trump activist as a form of protest against California’s poor forest management. The heroic activist, […]

“It worked for the French revolutionaries, not sure why it won’t work here” Most people look at the city council’s recent decision with disgust. And I ask you: why? Is it because of your preconceived notions about what counts as childhood “play?” If we are to train our next generation of soldier-good-boys properly, we must […]

Toe jam or rice and stew? From Japanese cuisine to Indian delicacies, pungent odor seems to be the common issue for Americans — dare I say white people — when they walk past a meal that smells like pure struggle. Though delicious, Americans often judge the foods of immigrants as stinky with a bucket-load of […]

My comprehension skills are off the charts I’m the number-one keyboard warrior at UC Davis. I earned this distinction after years of hunting my poor, sniveling victims on social media. It’s impossible to defeat my carefully crafted evidence for why you suck. Don’t be fooled — I’m a fantastic student with tons of hobbies and […]