Humor

Action was taken after attendees couldn’t hear the drums echo in the night One of the deadliest crimes was committed at a local frat party this past weekend. The night started like any other night. “Red Nose” was playing on loop and the whole crowd was getting progressively sweatier but powering through with the magic […]

Evolution in progress “Millennials can’t communicate with anyone. They’re hard to talk to,” said some person over the age of 30, probably 40. “Although with what they’ve got between their personality and their Messiah complex, I’m not sure there’s much there, anyway.” “Older generations are so dumb. Of course we can communicate, that’s what phones […]

With just six words in a 51-second video, Gary May takes home the big trophy The Academy Awards have always had controversy around them in terms of nominations. Snubs, undeserving rewards and so on get audiences and filmmakers heated. But no one can deny that Gary May just won the Oscar for Best Actor in […]

Why won’t they leeeeeeave? Throughout the course of history, the Greeks have lost many battles. For past examples, here is a comprehensive list of triumphs the Greeks have been involved in and most likely lost — though we at The Aggie are still not entirely sure, because admittedly not all of us are completely literate. […]

An article for students who just wanted to have 10 weeks in which they didn’t see anyone If you’re anything like me, you dread Winter Quarter until it approaches. Then, you decide that it’s actually not that bad but choose to use it as a topic of conversation with everyone you kind of know who […]

American Aaron on a mission Vladimir Putin, wearing compression shorts with the flag of the USSR, lathers himself up in butter and grease as he explains to me what is about to happen. “You see, when I do the skeleton race, I do not simply ride the skeleton thing. That thing makes it too easy […]

First of all, they don’t like being called petty Now you may know me as a man who loves his peyote, or perhaps as that guy with the bomb shelter in the middle of the Sonoran desert. Perhaps you know me as the man with all the absolutely bonkers theories about Hillary secretly being a […]

Does she have crabs? The ARC Pavilion will be the first to host part one of the new live-action spectacle “Under the Sea, BP & Me,” a tale of a little mermaid who struggles to find love in a polluted ocean. The California Aggie spoke to the story’s writer, Scooby Droo, who gained critical acclaim […]

UC Davis sells student organs A study has revealed that over 35,000 residents in the Davis area are afflicted by a strange mental illness in which they pay to work. “We love this,” said a shady capitalist businessman in a top hat. “Slavery was a terrible idea. This is way better.” “What the hell is […]

Everybody knows that a tuition hike is just a tuition-themed hike Oftentimes it’s easy to mistake one thing for another. Whether that thing be a word you misheard, an item you misplaced or a protest against rising tuition costs, we all inevitably have caught ourselves in one of those silly moments. Sometimes, one thing just […]

They’ve done it again This might come as no surprise to you, but it turns out the UC Regents are behind this year’s especially horrible flu. How, you ask? I’m not exactly sure (I never am), but between all their degrees, I’m sure they found some way to do something that would screw over the […]

The Olympic Games should play a part in fostering better relations between Russia and the West The Olympics are here — and with it, yet another controversy. A week before the Games commence in Pyeongchang, South Korea, the Court of Arbitration for Sport removed lifetime bans for 28 Russian athletes. While this doesn’t mean they’re […]