Humor

Positive, negative and even lukewarm thoughts are all acceptable For years, I’ve had the question, “Y’all got any thoughts on bears?” running through my mind like Usain Bolt in his prime. Do people have thoughts on bears? Have people even seen bears? Are they a myth? Are they human? Are they dancers? Surely, the people […]

U.S. implements new system of skullfracking The U.S. military’s time-tested approach of invading non-white countries and labeling areas as terrorist hotspots in order to extract all their oil is as unethical and effective as ever. Unfortunately, America’s oil consumption has increased so rapidly that we’re failing to meet the demands of Escalade-driving gasmongers and jacked-up […]

A nonfiction autobiographical noir piece A keen observer smelled the scent of barbecue. Noting that there’s no good barbecue in Davis except for maybe Dickie’s, which is always out of everything, that keen observer knew something was up. They approached the quad and maneuvered through burning crosses, making their way past the chubby squirrels burying […]

Spoiler: Yes With the new craze of eating Tide Pods storming social media, a lot of people have been wondering what it all means. Is it just a meme? Is it a symbol? The answer to both of those is “no” because, as it turns out, eating Tide Pods is actually a movement for millennials. […]

I had no idea there were so many women Dear Editor-In-Chief of The California Aggie, I have one simple question for the folks who run your paper: Where did all of these women come from all of a sudden? I mean in the most literal sense. I had no idea there were more women than […]

You’re going to want to cut up your Starbucks gold member card after this one I’m guessing by now you’ve probably learned about the dangers of capitalism, as I myself learned about briefly when I momentarily stopped online shopping at Urban Outfitters in class to listen to what my professor actually had to say. This […]

One bold student is sick of the fashion industry’s labels, is taking a stand When I was a little girl, I was super round. I wasn’t the cute round, though; I was more so just the inconvenient, Augustus-Gloop-from-Willy-Wonka round. Every summer, my mom would order me a new one piece bathing suit from a sad […]

Father and Son talk it out A strange object descending from the sky was initially thought to be Jesus Christ, but after further investigation was determined to be an ICBM from North Korea headed straight toward the White House. While many people wish it would’ve hit successfully, others were concerned that the extreme radiation and […]

Hell ya bro “Bro, check out these socks,” Jared Kushner said to a New York Times reporter as he pointed to his socks. “They’re HUF socks. You see that? It’s weed. Well if my name ain’t KUSHner!” Jared said this as he winked heavily, indicating to the journalist that he was making an elaborate weed […]

Planned Parenthood kicking it up a notch The Center for Disease Control published a study last week revealing that humans are actually parasites rather than apex predators, as initially thought by many hypermasculine men, warmongering politicians and corporate maggots. “We finally determined that humans are indeed parasites,” said John Mueller of the Division for Parasitic […]

Yolobus ain’t *BLEEP* but hoes and tricks A great philosopher once said, “A diva is a female version of a hustler.” But I happen to disagree. Contrary to popular belief, I think that a diva is actually a person who refuses to ride the Yolobus because of her own personal aversion to most public transportation […]

Could we survive? There is an old saying that goes: If a tree falls in a forest and nobody is around to hear it, did it actually fall? Well try and apply that to Davis. If UC Davis existed anywhere other than Davis, would it still contain all the cute little quirks that make Davis, […]