Humor

One crazed student is kicked out of school after sharing controversial opinion When the universe created winter quarters, it made sure that, no matter the odds, every single time the air went cold, students would hate their lives. Returning in January always feels a bit stupid, like that one dumb chick in every horror movie […]

We found all the extinct animals, too After the hardly surprising revelation that Hell’s fire is fueled by its vast underground oil reservoirs, the U.S. military has unrelatedly declared the area a possible terrorist hotspot and is set to invade next week. No demons have been spotted in the area, although it is full of […]

Demons in classrooms may look like your friends — if you have friends, that is A portal to Hell was discovered in lower Olson last week when first-year Max Williamson was shredded apart by feral demons who were initially thought to be protesters from UC Berkeley. “We see this as an opportunity to bring the […]

With these tips, you’ll be hacking the CoHo in no time! With Winter Quarter off to a quick start, many students are heading back to their same on-campus routines of frequenting the most illustrious eating establishment in all of Davis: the CoHo. While the CoHo may already seem appealing to many students because of its […]

Not just the obvious stuff As some of you lucky students begin to think about what it’ll be like to escape this problematic sub-system known as college and enter a lifetime of working for other problematic sub-systems, you might want to consider making something called a resume. Resumes can be complicated in your 20s, when […]

Praise be to the Great Button The button sits on the desk of Our Leader, its extremely cliche red glow throbbing in the darkness of the Oval Office. How big is this button? Very, very big. In fact, it would be more accurate to say that the big boy button sitting on the desk of […]

Forbidden fruit prevails as the students’ favorite food Tide Pods are the great mystery of America, with their delicious-looking colors and forbiddenness. Logically, we all know that we aren’t supposed to eat a sack of bleach and detergent, but spiritually, we are connected to these jewels of mystery. With Winter Quarter strutting through the door […]

This idea for self-improvement is so cute — and so easy! Perhaps you find yourself in the new year hazily gripping to reality through the fog of a hangover. Perhaps instead you’re simply buried in regret because Kyle called you up and you went to see him and it just made you feel bad because […]

Or does he mean crazy people? After a public spectacle during which President Donald Trump and Vice President Mike Pence openly argued about their perceptions of Nut Neutrality, two things were made manifest: Both have wildly different understandings of Nut Neutrality, and both most certainly have Americans’ interests at heart. “I thought this was about […]

Get ready to be so rich that you can buy a car and then have nowhere to park it Ever wonder what makes bitcoin tick? Well, you’re in luck, because The Aggie has made a groundbreaking discovery about what has caused its recent price fluctuations. You might be asking yourself right now, “What is a […]

Davis’ very own holiday traditions Because the majority of the Davis student population took their finals and immediately escaped as quickly as possible in hopes of forgetting all their negative associations with a quarter of terror, the holidays in Davis exist as kind of a mystical and untouched topic that nobody knows anything about. As […]

Relaxation and rest come at the cost of craziness and overeating Winter break, at a surface level, appears to be the height of luxury for the college experience. It’s long enough to recuperate after finals season roundhouse kicks you right in the gallbladder but not long enough to where you’re expected to get an internship, […]