Humor

An article for students who just wanted to have 10 weeks in which they didn’t see anyone If you’re anything like me, you dread Winter Quarter until it approaches. Then, you decide that it’s actually not that bad but choose to use it as a topic of conversation with everyone you kind of know who […]

American Aaron on a mission Vladimir Putin, wearing compression shorts with the flag of the USSR, lathers himself up in butter and grease as he explains to me what is about to happen. “You see, when I do the skeleton race, I do not simply ride the skeleton thing. That thing makes it too easy […]

First of all, they don’t like being called petty Now you may know me as a man who loves his peyote, or perhaps as that guy with the bomb shelter in the middle of the Sonoran desert. Perhaps you know me as the man with all the absolutely bonkers theories about Hillary secretly being a […]

Does she have crabs? The ARC Pavilion will be the first to host part one of the new live-action spectacle “Under the Sea, BP & Me,” a tale of a little mermaid who struggles to find love in a polluted ocean. The California Aggie spoke to the story’s writer, Scooby Droo, who gained critical acclaim […]

UC Davis sells student organs A study has revealed that over 35,000 residents in the Davis area are afflicted by a strange mental illness in which they pay to work. “We love this,” said a shady capitalist businessman in a top hat. “Slavery was a terrible idea. This is way better.” “What the hell is […]

Everybody knows that a tuition hike is just a tuition-themed hike Oftentimes it’s easy to mistake one thing for another. Whether that thing be a word you misheard, an item you misplaced or a protest against rising tuition costs, we all inevitably have caught ourselves in one of those silly moments. Sometimes, one thing just […]

They’ve done it again This might come as no surprise to you, but it turns out the UC Regents are behind this year’s especially horrible flu. How, you ask? I’m not exactly sure (I never am), but between all their degrees, I’m sure they found some way to do something that would screw over the […]

The Olympic Games should play a part in fostering better relations between Russia and the West The Olympics are here — and with it, yet another controversy. A week before the Games commence in Pyeongchang, South Korea, the Court of Arbitration for Sport removed lifetime bans for 28 Russian athletes. While this doesn’t mean they’re […]

Positive, negative and even lukewarm thoughts are all acceptable For years, I’ve had the question, “Y’all got any thoughts on bears?” running through my mind like Usain Bolt in his prime. Do people have thoughts on bears? Have people even seen bears? Are they a myth? Are they human? Are they dancers? Surely, the people […]

U.S. implements new system of skullfracking The U.S. military’s time-tested approach of invading non-white countries and labeling areas as terrorist hotspots in order to extract all their oil is as unethical and effective as ever. Unfortunately, America’s oil consumption has increased so rapidly that we’re failing to meet the demands of Escalade-driving gasmongers and jacked-up […]

A nonfiction autobiographical noir piece A keen observer smelled the scent of barbecue. Noting that there’s no good barbecue in Davis except for maybe Dickie’s, which is always out of everything, that keen observer knew something was up. They approached the quad and maneuvered through burning crosses, making their way past the chubby squirrels burying […]

Spoiler: Yes With the new craze of eating Tide Pods storming social media, a lot of people have been wondering what it all means. Is it just a meme? Is it a symbol? The answer to both of those is “no” because, as it turns out, eating Tide Pods is actually a movement for millennials. […]