Humor

UC Davis sells student organs A study has revealed that over 35,000 residents in the Davis area are afflicted by a strange mental illness in which they pay to work. “We love this,” said a shady capitalist businessman in a top hat. “Slavery was a terrible idea. This is way better.” “What the hell is […]

Everybody knows that a tuition hike is just a tuition-themed hike Oftentimes it’s easy to mistake one thing for another. Whether that thing be a word you misheard, an item you misplaced or a protest against rising tuition costs, we all inevitably have caught ourselves in one of those silly moments. Sometimes, one thing just […]

They’ve done it again This might come as no surprise to you, but it turns out the UC Regents are behind this year’s especially horrible flu. How, you ask? I’m not exactly sure (I never am), but between all their degrees, I’m sure they found some way to do something that would screw over the […]

The Olympic Games should play a part in fostering better relations between Russia and the West The Olympics are here — and with it, yet another controversy. A week before the Games commence in Pyeongchang, South Korea, the Court of Arbitration for Sport removed lifetime bans for 28 Russian athletes. While this doesn’t mean they’re […]

Positive, negative and even lukewarm thoughts are all acceptable For years, I’ve had the question, “Y’all got any thoughts on bears?” running through my mind like Usain Bolt in his prime. Do people have thoughts on bears? Have people even seen bears? Are they a myth? Are they human? Are they dancers? Surely, the people […]

U.S. implements new system of skullfracking The U.S. military’s time-tested approach of invading non-white countries and labeling areas as terrorist hotspots in order to extract all their oil is as unethical and effective as ever. Unfortunately, America’s oil consumption has increased so rapidly that we’re failing to meet the demands of Escalade-driving gasmongers and jacked-up […]

A nonfiction autobiographical noir piece A keen observer smelled the scent of barbecue. Noting that there’s no good barbecue in Davis except for maybe Dickie’s, which is always out of everything, that keen observer knew something was up. They approached the quad and maneuvered through burning crosses, making their way past the chubby squirrels burying […]

Spoiler: Yes With the new craze of eating Tide Pods storming social media, a lot of people have been wondering what it all means. Is it just a meme? Is it a symbol? The answer to both of those is “no” because, as it turns out, eating Tide Pods is actually a movement for millennials. […]

I had no idea there were so many women Dear Editor-In-Chief of The California Aggie, I have one simple question for the folks who run your paper: Where did all of these women come from all of a sudden? I mean in the most literal sense. I had no idea there were more women than […]

You’re going to want to cut up your Starbucks gold member card after this one I’m guessing by now you’ve probably learned about the dangers of capitalism, as I myself learned about briefly when I momentarily stopped online shopping at Urban Outfitters in class to listen to what my professor actually had to say. This […]

One bold student is sick of the fashion industry’s labels, is taking a stand When I was a little girl, I was super round. I wasn’t the cute round, though; I was more so just the inconvenient, Augustus-Gloop-from-Willy-Wonka round. Every summer, my mom would order me a new one piece bathing suit from a sad […]

Father and Son talk it out A strange object descending from the sky was initially thought to be Jesus Christ, but after further investigation was determined to be an ICBM from North Korea headed straight toward the White House. While many people wish it would’ve hit successfully, others were concerned that the extreme radiation and […]