Humor

Hell ya bro “Bro, check out these socks,” Jared Kushner said to a New York Times reporter as he pointed to his socks. “They’re HUF socks. You see that? It’s weed. Well if my name ain’t KUSHner!” Jared said this as he winked heavily, indicating to the journalist that he was making an elaborate weed […]

Planned Parenthood kicking it up a notch The Center for Disease Control published a study last week revealing that humans are actually parasites rather than apex predators, as initially thought by many hypermasculine men, warmongering politicians and corporate maggots. “We finally determined that humans are indeed parasites,” said John Mueller of the Division for Parasitic […]

Yolobus ain’t *BLEEP* but hoes and tricks A great philosopher once said, “A diva is a female version of a hustler.” But I happen to disagree. Contrary to popular belief, I think that a diva is actually a person who refuses to ride the Yolobus because of her own personal aversion to most public transportation […]

Could we survive? There is an old saying that goes: If a tree falls in a forest and nobody is around to hear it, did it actually fall? Well try and apply that to Davis. If UC Davis existed anywhere other than Davis, would it still contain all the cute little quirks that make Davis, […]

One crazed student is kicked out of school after sharing controversial opinion When the universe created winter quarters, it made sure that, no matter the odds, every single time the air went cold, students would hate their lives. Returning in January always feels a bit stupid, like that one dumb chick in every horror movie […]

We found all the extinct animals, too After the hardly surprising revelation that Hell’s fire is fueled by its vast underground oil reservoirs, the U.S. military has unrelatedly declared the area a possible terrorist hotspot and is set to invade next week. No demons have been spotted in the area, although it is full of […]

Demons in classrooms may look like your friends — if you have friends, that is A portal to Hell was discovered in lower Olson last week when first-year Max Williamson was shredded apart by feral demons who were initially thought to be protesters from UC Berkeley. “We see this as an opportunity to bring the […]

With these tips, you’ll be hacking the CoHo in no time! With Winter Quarter off to a quick start, many students are heading back to their same on-campus routines of frequenting the most illustrious eating establishment in all of Davis: the CoHo. While the CoHo may already seem appealing to many students because of its […]

Not just the obvious stuff As some of you lucky students begin to think about what it’ll be like to escape this problematic sub-system known as college and enter a lifetime of working for other problematic sub-systems, you might want to consider making something called a resume. Resumes can be complicated in your 20s, when […]

Praise be to the Great Button The button sits on the desk of Our Leader, its extremely cliche red glow throbbing in the darkness of the Oval Office. How big is this button? Very, very big. In fact, it would be more accurate to say that the big boy button sitting on the desk of […]

Forbidden fruit prevails as the students’ favorite food Tide Pods are the great mystery of America, with their delicious-looking colors and forbiddenness. Logically, we all know that we aren’t supposed to eat a sack of bleach and detergent, but spiritually, we are connected to these jewels of mystery. With Winter Quarter strutting through the door […]

This idea for self-improvement is so cute — and so easy! Perhaps you find yourself in the new year hazily gripping to reality through the fog of a hangover. Perhaps instead you’re simply buried in regret because Kyle called you up and you went to see him and it just made you feel bad because […]