Humor

Finally, we can get true wisdom from student Nicole Darn, the top human It’s not easy getting by in college, and no one knows this more than third-year psychology major Nicole Darn. After being academically ineligible for a whopping five quarters, skipping 47 classes in one quarter and using her loan money on a sick […]

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)   Written By: Elliot White

Band-Aids don’t fix bullet holes or soy milk preferences for second-year Kimberly Timber Kimberly Timber, a second-year chemical engineering major at UC Davis, has finally had it with all the haters in this cow town. After taking a 20-minute hiatus in the bathroom and wiping all her social media posts from this morning, Timber is […]

Fans condemn show’s new embrace of bloodshed and death After a successful run as the highest-rated and most critically acclaimed comedy show on daytime television, Game of Thrones is being criticized by viewers and non-viewers alike for abruptly transforming into a gloomy, heart-wrenching drama in 2011. The show, which had previously been hailed by critic […]

Proceedings to be held in The Hague Timothy Sanderson, a third-year biology major at UC Davis, was arrested last Monday at his apartment in West Village on charges of being aggressively negligent with the way he chewed his Cool Ranch Doritos during an organic chemistry lecture. The police became involved via another UC Davis student, […]

New chancellor already in hot water for social media gaffe Newly-minted chancellor Gary May was accused of nepotism on Tuesday after granting his two daughters access to the official UC Davis Snapchat account. The charges against May are reminiscent of those leveled against former chancellor Linda Katehi, who, critics say, granted favorable treatment to her […]

Overjoyed readers gather, laud latest work as “Fire, Katehi” This is it, folks. Linda Katehi is finally making good on her promise to students. And no, I’m not referring to the minor issue of the reneged $200,000 scholarship fund commitment. Katehi is releasing a memoir. The subject matter is wide-ranging, including an exploration of Katehi’s […]

Two people pushed out of their jobs politely resign ON THEIR OWN TERMS This summer’s ragtag extravaganza will soon be found in theaters near you, starring America’s sweetheart and Davis’ sweetheart together for the first time. Sean Spicer and Linda Katehi will be playing two cops in Michael Bay’s forthcoming film, Resigned (kinda). The plot […]

Don’t forget the sunblock. Ever. A sunny day at the beach, not a cloud in the sky — yet Ashley Fairskyn had no idea of the hidden menace. The lurking predator. But it was far too late before she realized that this monstrosity had already sunk its teeth into her flesh. “That was its name,” […]

Tension rises as apartment reaches a sweltering 87 degrees Residents of West Village were startled today as they witnessed 22-year-old Rachel Weissman Cordon, of apartment 21B, search for the roommate responsible for using the oven for over 45 minutes at approximately 3 p.m. “I will kill whoever made it hot as heck in here. Literally,” […]

Temporary knowledge learned for exams has left me unable to spell basic words, remember Founding Fathers Summer has barely started for we quarter system schmucks, and my scholarly ways are already escaping my cranium like bats out of hell. That’s right. As a consequence of trying to get some “well-deserved” me-time, I’ve found myself lacking […]

Expectations versus reality Summer is a wonderful escape from the stresses of school. After finals week, essays and other super relatable things that you’ll appreciate and find funny, students look to summer as the bastion of hope for saving their mental health. But guess what! Summer is mostly the same futile existence they had during […]