President Trump has taken the week off to spend time in the White House arcade after finding out that his head was up his ass. He tried brown-nosing the media only to learn that he still has no hindsight. Embarrassed and red in the face, Trump flew back to the White House on a pink-eye flight to clean himself up in the golden showers, telling everyone in his way to leave, shouting, “Scat! Scat!”
“Sometimes I think he’s full of crap, but mostly he means well,” said Vice President Mike Pence apologetically. “Trump thought that if he watched the solar eclipse he too would have the power to block out the sun. I told him to put the tinted glasses on, but he just kept saying ‘No filter!’ over and over again.”
“I stared into the eclipse and the eclipse stared into me,” Trump said. “Niche said that, if you fight with monsters, you should be careful not to become a monster yourself. You know what I think? That’s what this big red button is for. They won’t even get close enough to turn me into a monster,” Trump continued before returning to a vintage version of “Space Invaders” with the title scratched out and revised to “Interplanetary Border Control.”
“This is where we do most of our thinking,” Pence said, standing in the neon glow of the enormous White House arcade. “It’s the War Room and the Situation Room. Trump removed the Treaty Room because ‘We don’t make treaties. We dig holes deeper than we can escape and climb out on the corpses of our enemies, or the middle class.’ I would have said ‘the uneducated, ignorant and hateful,’ but that would clearly be biased toward our fan base and supporters.”
“I must say that Trump has done way more than Obama,” said Richard Hicks, a second-year gender, sexuality and women’s studies major. “He taught me that the best way to success is through failure, even if your entire life is one big failure. So I’m on the right track.”
“When I gamble, I like to go all in every time. I won’t back down to North Korea, and I’m going all in with 323.1 million chips,” Trump said as he played an arcade version of Super Mario Bros. “You know why I love Super Mario Bros.? One, it shows that you can be an immigrant and still become successful through your own efforts. Two, and more importantly, the best way to get money is to stomp people to death.”
Trump kicked our reporters out of the White House arcade so that he could start preparing a new social welfare program for patriotic kids called “Summer Kampf.” Rumors of impeachment have caused concern for the Trump administration, with some people suggesting that Trump might rather kill himself than face the death of his ego.
“If he did, it would be autoerotic,” Former Deputy Assistant to the President Sebastian Gorka said as he lit a cross on fire on the White House lawn. “Or do I mean despotic?”
Written by: Drew Hanson — andhanson@ucdavis.edu
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
