Opinion

A recent brush with tragedy on the Golden Gate Bridge over the summer has taught me much about life and society – lessons which, from my perspective as a student of social science, also tie into the current context of events at UC Davis and the UC system: fee hikes, layoffs, furloughs, walk-outs, sit-ins and other acts of civil disobedience. These important events will determine the future, or lack thereof, of our university.

Welcome, freshmen. I knew y’all would be here, fucking up our bike lanes and screaming overly friendly statements to strangers, wearing your new outfits and smiling rabidly at all the opportunity and new experiences Davis has to offer. (You know, cause there’s a lot going on in Davis, and that’s why you chose this school.)

I think it goes without saying that I’m a pretty awesome person, but here goes: I’m a pretty awesome person. While I have always been an awesome person, I must admit my awesomeness is only apparent to all because of Prozac.

ASUCD senators are the voices of the student body and need to be accessible to students. By not holding office hours, it’s difficult for students to feel like they are a part of campus matters.

As comedian Groucho Marx drew his final breath, his wife wept at his side, his pale hands clenched in hers. “Oh, Groucho,” she lamented, “Please don’t die!”

I spent my first night of college in my dorm room crying. It was a pansy moment, I know. I’m lucky to report that things have definitely looked up since then. I know now that there’s no real definition for college. Experiencing it is the only way to know what’s up. Definitions are overrated anyhow. It’s best sometimes to just know you had a good time and call it a day.

Davis, I’m not sure how to say this, but we need to see other people. Don’t worry – it’s not you; it’s me. The time has come for me to go on to bigger (maybe not better) things, and I don’t think you’re ready to move on with me.

Seeing as this is my last column ever, I wanted to write something life-changing that would alter your state of mind FOREVER. Then I remembered I don’t really have anything that profound to say that isn’t stolen from some movie or Hallmark card. This is probably why I stick to more important topics like Booty Pops, cockroaches and things to do butt-naked.

Amid a growing trend of small schools adopting three-year bachelor’s programs throughout the country, the UC Commission on the Future is considering adopting a fast-track degree. The UC system should absolutely implement a three-year bachelor’s degree program because it benefits all parties involved.

This year has been a great learning experience for me, and I hope it has been for you, too. If you are like me, and your college experience is coming to a close, then your knowledge and experience gained from years of study will hopefully be of great benefit to you in seeking out employment.

I can’t tell you a whole lot about who I am. But I can say a lot about who I’m not.

Yawning is a most flavorful exercise indeed. It’s kind of like Pringles: once you pop you might not be able to stop because MSG shares a near identical chemical structure with high-grade heroin. I’m bullshitting. But let’s say your friend yawns and you yawn back. This is a perfectly normal part of yawning behavior, although an odd one (are we communicating subconsciously, like telling other members of the human herd that we’re exhausted and sleepy-time should commence or is it that our brains are overheating?). And when it happens with strangers I always feel a little violated or like I’ve violated the other person’s privacy.