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Tuesday, April 23, 2024

A Visitor’s Guide to UC Davis’s Nine Circles of Hell

Oh my God, not this again

BY ANNABEL MARSHALL — almarshall@ucdavis.edu 

BTS sucks. (BTS stands for Back To School, but by the time the author finished writing the previous sentence they were sniped by a K-pop stan through the window of their apartment. The author has been replaced and their body has been thrown into whatever lake the rowing team practices in.) 

(Also, here’s a shout-out to my roommate who genuinely got BTS and The Beatles confused. Highlight of my day. French people…)

Anyway, back to the article. Here is a refresher on the epic hell that is the first few weeks of school.

First Circle: Limbo 

The virtuous and relatively innocent, those who just want to go to class. They will be trapped in the middle of the road, unable to move forward or backward because of freshmen who bike as though they’ve never learned to walk, as well as the people on electronic skateboards (who we will see in the seventh circle of hell). 

Second Circle: Lust

This is a PSA. You do not have a crush on your TA. You have authority issues, extreme boredom and a touch of hysterical delusion caused by waking up before noon.

Third Circle: Gluttony

Forgetting to buy groceries and eating Chipotle for the fourth time this week. Saying “We ball” does not make guac free.

Fourth Circle: Greed

Fending off people with a mechanical pencil like a caged animal so you can get the last copy of your chemistry textbook from the student store.

Fifth Circle: Anger

What you will feel toward Canvas, printers, your bike lock, your laundry machines, any teacher that tries to get you to sign up for a different website that you will need for the class but never use again, squirrels, people with scooters, pens, paper, notebooks, Gary May, roommates, parents, yourself, your immune system, education as a concept and any email ever. 

Sixth Circle: Heresy

God, if you’re out there, get me off the waitlist.

Seventh Circle: Violence

Me, pushing someone off of their battery-powered skateboard with a look in my eyes like a cat pushing a vase off a table.

Eighth Circle: Fraud

Spending hours trying to locate PDF versions of $1000 textbooks only for your teacher to upload them in the most unreadable format you have ever seen. The page numbers go backward and the chapter titles are blacked out. The contrast is so bad you will need night vision goggles. Honestly, it might be an elaborate ploy to get you to buy the book.

Ninth Circle: Treachery

According to Dante, it was a frozen wasteland filled with the worst humanity has to offer. So… Sci Lab?

 

Written by: Annabel Marshall — almarshall@ucdavis.edu 

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)