An inspiring advice column for students at UC Davis!
By ANNABEL MARSHALL — firstname.lastname@example.org
Disclaimer: This article has been edited for content and clarity by our editor Owen Ruderman in order to ensure it follows the University of California, Davis’s Principles of Community.
Q: I’m really worried about my first quarter of organic chemistry. Any tips?
A: Owen, I know you’re there, you cheeky piece of [redacted]. Don’t even think about [judiciously and fairly editing] my [admirably passionate, albeit slightly indecorous] paper. This is my article, and I won’t have it censored by some absolute [person] who can’t tell the difference between his face and [As this part goes on for several pages, the editor has decided to cut this section from the article]. This is about freedom. This is about America. And I’ll let a bald eagle [redacted] my [redacted] before I have some [redacted] English major.
The people are coming to me. Me. No one wants your stupid advice on prepositions, predicates and Oxford commas. And you better leave that [redacted] Oxford comma in, b[uttersco]tch. I am a warrior of the people. I am a god. I will come to your tiny, little office and decapitate your bobbleheads. I know where you live because I asked Sarah, and she thought I was dropping something off, but secretly I was planning because I’m going to [As this part goes on for several pages, the editor has again decided to cut this section from the article].
Q: Thanksgiving as an international student can be tough. How do I keep myself busy?
A: Have you considered starting an [online business of lucrative but appropriate nature]?
Q: I’m having trouble finding my TA’s office hours. Can you give me any tips?
A: I don’t know, [friend]. Why don’t you go to your [fascinating] classes and [finally] find out, you piece of [sunshine]. The only tip I’ll give you is the tip of my [hat] as I [regard] your mom in the [morning]. Get out of here with your [interesting] questions. This isn’t Gogglo [The editor assumes the author intended to write “Google,” a very common and relatively easy word to spell but out of respect for their writing, chose not to make an edit].
Q: This Thanksgiving is the first time I’m meeting my boyfriend’s parents, but they’re from a different political background. How do I make a good impression without sacrificing my values?
A: That’s a great question. Personally, I think it’s best to be yourself. You shouldn’t have to compromise your identity in any way. Also, try to keep an open mind! Unlike Owen, whose sole purpose in life is to crush the spirit of every person he meets until they want to take a rusty garden spade and [redacted]. Every human being deserves respect and a feeling of acceptance; Thanksgiving is the perfect time to give it a shot! Who knows? You might be surprised by how welcoming and sensitive people can be!
Q: What is the best frozen meal from Trader Joe’s?
A: Mac and cheese. [I agree.]
Written by: Annabel Marshall — email@example.com
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)