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Tuesday, February 20, 2024

Twitter now run by single employee in Wisconsin basement

Meet Jeff, Twitter’s newest (and only) employee


By ANGIE VELARDE — avelarde@ucdavis.edu


After a series of unprecedented layoffs, resignations and terminations, Elon Musk’s latest purchase is now in the hands of one man: Jeff — a recent college graduate, Dungeon Master, video game enthusiast and now Twitter’s most important employee. According to Jeff, the position was described as “Social Media Management,” but he was unaware that the position he applied for would involve the day-to-day operations and management of an entire social media platform.

“I’m learning as I go,” Jeff said. “I’m just trying to do what Elon wants. But it’s hard sometimes when you’re getting text messages in the middle of the night saying things like ‘charge per Tweet.’ Then I have to figure out what that means and how to do it.”

The text messages from Musk, Jeff says, are frequent, often coming at all hours of the day and night and rarely including specific instructions. But as Twitter’s only employee, all communication flows through Jeff. While it has come with complications, the mass exodus of all other employees at Twitter means that he can now work from the basement of his home in Wisconsin.

When asked how he feels about being Twitter’s sole employee, Jeff replied, “It can be really hard. I mean, first, I’m running an entire social media platform of almost half a billion users single-handedly. But also, company birthday parties have gotten really lonely.” 

Jeff was, in fact, the only attendee at the recent company party held for his 21st birthday. However, he was quick to note that Musk attended via video chat and even wore his own party hat for the occasion.

With the rate at which advertisers, as well as paying and non-paying users, are dropping their Twitter accounts, Jeff is not expecting to be employed for long. However, he says that if nothing else, he is grateful for the ride. He also mentioned that he wouldn’t mind participating in Musk’s next failing business venture — whatever that may be.


Written by: Angie Velarde — avelarde@ucdavis.edu

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)