The difference between a gift and bribery is how good you are at winking
By ANNABEL MARSHALL — email@example.com
Strangers: Ah! Strangers, the perfect blank slate. A canvas on which to draw a romanticized version of your personality. Here are some lies to tell strangers to make you more interesting.
- I have a twin.
- My middle name is Rudyard Kipling.
- Oh my God, I love your sweater!
- I just saw someone on campus that looks like you but, like, a lot hotter.
- I was born with a tail. It just fell off. I keep it in a box. If you wanna come over, I can show it to you sometime. Free of charge! Just kidding, but I can definitely get you a discount.
TAs: TAs are hard to crack, those pesky little buggers. Fun fact: TA stands for Tonk Allen, the name of the first TA to ever exist! Tonk Allen was a political prisoner from Arizona who was subject to a form of punishment later deemed cruel and unusual by the Supreme Court; he was given a full-time research position and a very time-consuming thesis to write. Then, the prison guards would come into his cell eight times a day and ask him questions that were extraordinarily easy to Google. Anyway, here are some tips to get them on your side!
- Send each email twice. The first one often gets lost.
- Food is fuel. Bring a thermos of seasonally-appropriate soup to office hours. You can even offer your TA a chance to open a thermos for you. This will make them feel important. If you’re taking chemistry, waft the thermos smells toward you. That will be a funny inside joke for you guys but also show that you know how to waft, which is important.
- Bring up other graduate students in their department. Say things like, “Did you hear Jessica slept with Lili on the second date? I heard it wasn’t very good for either of them.”
Professors: What’s the difference between a TA and a professor? Neither of them is getting paid enough. Here’s some basic classroom etiquette.
- First impressions are essential. Wear multiple disguises to maximize the number of first impressions. If the teacher seems to respond positively to one disguise, stick with that for the rest of the quarter. Your GPA is worth wearing a fake mustache for 10 weeks!
- If your instructor has an accent, use the same accent to show your support.
- Being on your computer unnecessarily during class is rude. Turn your screen around and ask their opinion on the items you put in your online shopping cart. Beige or apricot for the sweater?
Friends: Look, we’re all broke here. Here are some cheap gifts for the homies whose birthdays you put into your Google Calendar and then forgot until the day of.
- We all know the ducks at the Arb are free. But did you know that the fire extinguishers in Wellman are as well?
- Get them a library book! Just have them return it after 12 days.
- Arby’s gift card.
- It’s the thought that counts. Think really hard about their birth and then tell them how you imagine it.
- Your friends are busy. Watch a movie they’ve been looking forward to and tell them all the major plot points. This will save them hours of time.
Written by: Annabel Marshall — firstname.lastname@example.org
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)