Good morning design majors! I hope all your dreams come true <3
By ANNABEL MARSHALL — email@example.com
Like winter quarter, this list goes from okay to terrible to worse.
Atmospheric Science: I love weatherpeople. 10/10
Physics (B.A.): Absolutely blows my mind that you can get a bachelor of arts in physics. Rails my brain. Slurps my gyri.
Animal Science: Cute.
Plant Science: Cuter.
Entomology: No longer cute.
International Relations: Half the nicest people I’ve ever met and half people I wouldn’t trust to negotiate my lunch order.
American Studies: Hilarious. What does this mean?
Global Disease Biology: To the classes of 2025 onward: I’m so glad I didn’t have to read your college essay about COVID.
Art History: Exactly what I would study if I were a nepotism baby.
Environmental Engineering: Honest to Jebus, cannot remember if this one actually exists. Seems like something we would have.
Wildlife, Fish and Conservation Biology: Amazed by the implication that fish are not wildlife.
Neurobiology, Physiology and Behavior: How does it feel to have to use two to three sentences to explain your major to everyone you meet? Shut up.
Human Biology: I’ve met four human bio majors and none of them can explain to me why this major exists.
Aviary Sciences: I don’t trust anyone who makes birds their personality. You are defending a sentient weapon that works for the Devil, who is not a nice guy.
Classics: Just tell me what the plan is. I actually want to know.
English, Creative Emphasis: Just because you’re gay doesn’t mean you’re good at writing poetry. For you. For me, it does.
English, Lit & Crit Emphasis: Just because you’re a non-confrontational straight man does not mean women want to sleep with you. They want to sleep with me ‘cause my poetry is so good.
Data Science: Boo. All science has data, idiot.
Material Science: We have to stop with this trend of just putting “Science” after a word and pretending it’s a career path.
Cognitive Science: See above.
Political Science: See above. Plus, this one is definitely not a science.
Food Science: See above above. Also, there is no way we need both Food Science and Nutrition.
Civil Engineering: A great way to tell people that your parents bought you too many LEGOs as a child or that you are pursuing a passionless career in the pathetic hopes of a stable future. I’m not using any bridge built by a civil engineer who graduated during the pandemic. And if building bridges is not what a civil engineer does, please, do not tell me. I do not care.
Education: Technically a minor. Whatever. How are some of you people so mean? Don’t you want to work with children? What is going on? Your pink hair is not distracting me from your disappointing personality.
Landscape Architecture: I’m just mad that no one offered this as a career option to me when I was 11. I was told to choose between doctor, lawyer, pop idol, teacher or stripper. Where was “greenery stylist?”
Philosophy: Be a nicer person. Stop making your friend’s birthday party about existentialism and glaring failures in the U.S. legal system.
Written by: Annabel Marshall — firstname.lastname@example.org
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)