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Davis, California

Tuesday, April 16, 2024

How to watch sports as a person who hates sports

Picking the team with the prettiest colors ain’t gonna cut it

 

By CARMEL RAVIV — craviv@ucdavis.edu

 

We may have thought we were free from the clutches of football the day after the Rihanna concert, but I have bad news for the non-sports fans out there. Basketball. Soccer. Hockey. Formula 1. March Madness. Cricket. Competitive bass fishing. The torture doesn’t end. We have to pretend to be engaged with this incessant ball play for the sake of the sports lovers in our lives for who knows how long. That is why I put together a list of tips and tricks on how to seem interested in sports, in order to help you fit in at your weird uncle’s super bowl party. . Soon, you’ll be able to bet two-game parlays and debate who’s the ‘GOAT’ of whatever sport faster than you can say, “Ice Spice is the mother of modern philosophy.”

 

  1. Memorize at least five players’ names and their position from the current team, and then do so for five random players from 10 years ago. Everyone will be LIVING for your ball knowledge.

 

  1. Instead of jerseys, show team spirit through t-shirts to not seem too obvious. You have to be sneaky and subtle with your fan allegiance, plus they’re way cuter.

 

  1. Have these following phrases on hand to yell out throughout the game:

 

If your team is flopping: 

“The other team definitely paid the ref.”

“This game is rigged.”

“My grandma can play better than that!”

“Next season is our comeback era.”

“It’s okay, we have good draft picks next season.”

“Thank god I didn’t bet on this game.”

 

If your team is slaying:

“Oh my god he scored again? That’s why he’s the GOAT.”

“We’re smoking that <other team’s name> pack tonight.”

“I used to pray for times like these.”

“<player that is doing well> IS HIM!”

“I’m so glad I bet on this game.”

 

  1. Search up the team name on Twitter for random stats to bring up in conversations. It’s giving informed girlboss.

 

  1. Don’t mention how hot the players are.

 

  1. Don’t bring up women’s sports. TAs at UC Davis probably make more than them.

 

Written by: Carmel Raviv — craviv@ucdavis.edu

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)