Get the senior citizens out of here
BY ANNABEL MARSHALL — firstname.lastname@example.org
Y’all old as hell. Get out of here. Walking around like you own the place. The only thing you own is pre-arthritic joints and an inability to answer the question, “So, what do you want to do next year?”
I know like 10% of you technically finished in winter quarter. Leave. Go home. Sublease your apartment to someone who recently discovered that being good friends in high school does not mean you will be good roommates. Go travel the world or wander around CVS in your hometown. I don’t care.
“Oh, I’m actually taking a class in the summer but I’m walking in the spring.” Why? Is that class really necessary to the completion of your education? Are you really learning something in PLS 21 GE that is integral to your Art Studio major? No. Your advisor can’t stop you if you just run across the stage. I’ll hold them back.
I see y’all clogging up the quad with your 100 functionally identical white dresses, taking photos that will plague my social media feeds for months, if not years. I see you taking the last spot in my required classes with your fancy early pass time. You don’t even need ENL 184, Mark, you’re an environmental policy major. Get out of here.
I’m so proud of y’all for making it through college. It’s an incredible achievement that should be celebrated as quickly and efficiently as possible. I do not want to attend four separate commencement ceremonies. Why can’t everyone just say their own name as they sprint across the stage?
To those who say I am acting callous to cover the pain of losing some of my closest friends as they graduate and move on with their lives: wrong. You are making Trader Joe’s so crowded. You have all the best apartments. If someone held a gun to my head and said, “I’ll let you go if you can find parking at Hutch in twenty minutes,” I’d say just shoot me. I’ll see y’all in hell.
Written by: Annabel Marshall — email@example.com
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)