Your choice reveals characteristics about you!
BY ANNABEL MARSHALL — firstname.lastname@example.org
Pick an option.
Option 1: Bleh. Boo! This is the worst one of these. Everyone agrees. Nobody likes this one, so you must be a bad, not good, person.
Option 2: You’re okay. You picked the safe option, which is how I know you’re not interesting, intrinsically. Maybe you didn’t wait to hear the rest of the options.
Option 3: This one is my favorite! I like it because I think it’s good. If you like it, it’s probably because you think it’s good.
Option 4: I think it was pretty obvious what this option would lead to. I think you knew exactly what would result from picking this option, and you picked it because you wanted to be special and better at interacting in social situations. I don’t respect you for picking this one. I’m going to throw up into your open hands.
Option 5: Are you serious? No one even thinks of this one as an option — which is why earlier I said that Option 1 was the worst option. I hadn’t even considered that you would choose this option, although I did offer it as an option for some reason. This makes you a terrible person morally and in terms of physical attractiveness. Pick the best option next time instead of such a bad option.
Option 6: I can tell from the fact that you picked this one that you will die in exactly six years. Probably noon-ish. Mark your Google Calendar.
Option 7: This is the option that means that everyone wants you carnally. You may have picked this one on purpose so that people will want you carnally, but it only works if the decision comes from the heart.
Written by: Annabel Marshall — email@example.com
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)