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Davis

Davis, California

Sunday, April 14, 2024

Poser alert: UC Davis freshman claims to like IPAs

He keeps commenting on the “loaminess.” Is that even a thing?

 

By OWEN RUDERMAN — opinion@theaggie.org

 

Last night at my party, Brandon Flynn, a freshman in the Davis Brewing program, showed up and started telling everyone who would listen that he “actually really likes IPAs.” I don’t know who invited him, but it definitely wasn’t me. 

Flynn is 18. Now, I don’t have anything against 18-year-olds. Yes, they kind of suck, but that isn’t really their fault. Unless they’re Brandon Flynn. Then it’s definitely their fault.

What I’m trying to say is, Flynn is completely full of it. The beer-drinking rule book clearly states that you have to be at least 30 before you can enjoy an IPA. Flynn should be at the point where a Bud Light tastes too alcoholic, and yet there he was, ruining the vibe of my party with his “freakishly developed palate.”

At one point, Flynn even came up to me and started telling me that “IPAs are the beer-drinkers’ beer to drink beer beer drink” and “you can’t be a real Californian if you’re not hooked on that pale goodness.” I also noticed he was holding some absurd can in his hand that said “Hazy Frontal Lobe Decimator 5000” on the front. I have no idea where he got it, but Google isn’t turning up any results.

He even approached my friend Bella at one point and, upon seeing that she was drinking a seltzer, swatted it out of her hand, yelling, “It’s bitter or nothing! It’s bitter or nothing!” as loud as he could.

And then there was the whole Brent Callaghan debacle. Brent, the infamous alcohol extraordinaire, tried Flynn’s drink, but immediately spit it out. He was gagging and spitting for what seemed like an hour before he finally passed out in my kitchen.

After a while, a small riot formed and attempted to kick Flynn out, but it didn’t work. The bitterness must have enhanced him in some way because even the strength of 15 people wasn’t enough to bring him down. 

Long story short, the cops showed up because of the noise of the riot and arrested both of us. We’re sitting in a cell together right now, and he still won’t shut up about the IPAs. I have no idea how he did it, but he got a can of that “Frontal Lobe Decimator 5000” inside the big house. Please, someone, bail me out of here before he makes me taste it.

 

Written By: Owen Ruderman — opinion@theaggie.org

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)