The event invites students to open their hearts, mind and wallets (but mostly their wallets)
By CARMEL RAVIV — firstname.lastname@example.org
If you came by the MU Quad a week ago, then you must have experienced the toe ring booth, soothing sounds of the wind catchers, tie-dye everything and a bunch of walking advertisements for Depop as part of the annual Whole Earth Festival.
What was supposed to be the pinnacle of UC Davis’s indie-granola lifestyle, unfortunately, fell short, according to the report given at a recent ASUCD Senate meeting. They described the Whole Earth Festival as just not “Earthy” enough. “We were smelling too much deodorant,” one senator said.
That is why ASUCD is hosting the “Whole Earth-er Festival,” a do-over festival that seeks to delve deeper into the Earth. This festival will even feature a 10-foot pit dug in the middle of the Quad to host the event.
Shoes will be banned from the festival (even Birkenstocks!), and so will plastic cups. In order to reduce waste, people can drink out of their bare hands or old bike helmets. Attendees are also encouraged to refrain from using their bikes to travel to the event, as bikes themselves eventually create waste. UCD will provide an organic, sustainable and biodegradable alternative by renting the dairy cows to be ridden through campus.
New vendors will be in attendance, such as a friendship-bracelet-making booth that makes bracelets out of hair. There will also be a medium that will tell you how you die based on the cake you ate on your birthday.
There will also be new musical entertainment, such as a Stockholm-based ska band that sings about geo-political conflicts. They’re a riot!
So don’t miss out, come to the Whole Earth-er Festival next weekend, but look where you’re going and don’t fall face first into the 10-foot pit. We will have healing crystals, two shamans and a vegan to heal whoever does.
Written by: Carmel Raviv — email@example.com
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)