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Monday, May 27, 2024

How to hype up future Aggies

Incoming freshmen are the future of America. Hoorah!

 

By CARMEL RAVIV — craviv@ucdavis.edu

 

As this tumultuous school year comes to a close and we shed our prolific senior class, it is time to welcome an exciting new generation of Aggies. They will carry the torch of this great institution’s legacy and relish in the opportunities that Davis has to offer. 

But no one tell them about the TA strike, the atmospheric floods or days-long power outages. Or the cow smell. But hey, other than that UC Davis is top-notch! 

Here is a short list of tips and fun facts to mention when you encounter a future Aggie to get them hyped and keep them informed for the 2023-24 school year:

 

  1. The MU is pronounced “The Moo.”
  2. Make sure to buy the nicest, most expensive bike and always wear a helmet.
  3. Text your potential roommates on Instagram that you are a direct descendant of Gary May and you can get into the best dorm building. 
  4. Cheeto is the name of the hottest girl on campus, so let everyone know you have a crush on Cheeto and they will relate!
  5. Hasbullah studied the philosophy of thermodynamics at UC Davis and worked at the Student Farm. You are walking the hallowed halls of greatness. 
  6. UC Davis is in California, so we are really close to LA!
  7. There are crocodiles in the creek running through the Arboretum, and late at night they emerge and sing “Going Down the Bayou” and “Rap God.” They can also scat so don’t get spooked. 
  8. You may have heard of the super cool coffee-brewing class, but there is also a cough-knee pooing class in the School of Biological Sciences. And a toffee-chewing class. And concepts of nutrition!
  9. At the beginning of every school year, we have a tradition called “Running of the Freshmen,” which is when upperclassmen select freshmen on the first day of school and ride their backs as the freshmen run to their first class. The fastest freshman wins a squirrel!
  10. To pass your finals, it is Davis’s superstition to go to the egghead statues and drop your best pickup line. The student with the most seductive line will get a B+.

 

Written by: Carmel Raviv — craviv@ucdavis.edu

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.