Nothing. Just kidding. But…
By CARMEL RAVIV — email@example.com
What felt like a year that would last a lifetime is now coming to an end. My unique first-year experience has passed me by as I move on to bigger, better and more private things. That said, I must reminisce and pay gratitude to some things that made my first year so memorable, and say goodbye to them, once and for all.
Goodbye to the hairballs in my communal showers.
Goodbye to the laundry machines that were out of order and the laundry room that smelled like my grandma.
Goodbye to swimming in Putah Creek and then getting a really weird rash after.
Goodbye to non-fresh fruits and vegetables in the DC (I thought this was an agricultural school, c’mon.)
Goodbye to the Pozole Verde from the DC (What the hell was that you guys?)
Goodbye to DC shrimp (no comment).
Goodbye to Smirnoff handles.
Goodbye to weekly visits from fire trucks to Tercero.
Goodbye to the ugliest building in Segundo (Malcolm Hall).
Goodbye to the TA that showed up 30 minutes late to their own discussion.
Goodbye to my TA who had a man bun (I love you.)
Goodbye to the RA that would never get us in trouble for pregaming or partying in the dorms but wrote up five people for bouncing a basketball.
Goodbye to the AirPods my friend lost when he was drunk.
Goodbye to the AirPods I lost when I was sober.
Written by: Carmel Raviv — firstname.lastname@example.org
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)