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Friday, May 24, 2024

I’m inventing a new religion

Donations are accepted and also required

 

By ANNABEL MARSHALL — almarshall@ucdavis.edu 

 

A slice of Key Lime pie was left in the refrigerator by my lovely and soon-to-be-dead housemate. It’s unclear how long, but I would estimate that it’s between four weeks and a month.

It quickly became clear that no benevolent God would allow such an affront. For days, I stood with my entire face in the cold white abyss, like those circus performers who continually put their head in the mouth of a lion for no real reason. When the mold began breathing like the surface of the ocean, I felt a drastic choice was necessary. I have vowed to worship this beast (lay down in front of the refrigerator) for the rest of my days (until finals week).

Now, it may be true that, throughout history, religion has been used as a tool to mobilize emotional and physical violence against others, especially minority groups. But this new religion is different. This one is for sure not a cult.

Besides, religion has done a lot for us. Santa Claus. Stained glass. Tourism in Mecca. Many breads and bread-like foods. Whatever is going on in Utah. Need I say more?

I am not anti-religion. In fact, I am pro-religion. And, like many religious people, I am mostly pro my religion, because the other ones are interesting but — let’s face it — wrong. 

My one true religion has seven tenets, because seven feels like a good stopping point. 

 

  1. Thou shalt not kill. I won’t beat around the bush, I kind of ripped that one off of the ol’ Christ-loving folk. Not everything has to be original. Besides, they had a head start. I feel like I would have come up with that one too if I was around in the time of regular crucifixion. 
  2. Thou shall wash thy hands. It’s just good practice. 
  3. The Golden Rule. This is a different Golden Rule than you may be used to. It states: Laws are the promise of harm against those who disrupt the social order designed and perpetuated by the ruling class and have no inherent moral value.
  4. Bird watching is the closest you can get to God in this lifetime. Do with that what you will. 
  5. Sex is fine, but only in certain positions. And never on the Lord’s day (St. Patrick’s Day).
  6. God’s real name is Ked. Historians have speculated that it is short for Skedaddles. 
  7. If someone you know suffers, it is Ked’s will. This is what I told my housemate as I forced him to eat the Key Lime pie. 

 

Written by: Annabel Marshall — almarshall@ucdavis.edu 

 

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)