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By AUDREY ZHANG – aurzhang@ucdavis.edu
When was the last time you’ve been inside a monument to human engineering? When was the last time you saw colors that clashed so horribly they made the presidential debate look like a loving embrace? When have we as a society lost our sense of whimsy? Ever since the dawn of history, people have longed to touch the sky. Babylon. The Wright brothers. Jeff Bezos trying to get all of the billionaires off of the planet. It was because he knew that somewhere out there in the universe was a place where people could bounce freely to their heart’s content.
The phrase “jumping for joy” exists for a reason. UC Davis may talk a big game about caring for their students’ mental health, but they won’t provide for their most basic emotional needs. Studies show that 100% of Americans are suffering from orbital deficiencies, ever since bouncy castles were monopolized by selfish parents who only let children use them at birthday parties and subpar state fairs.
“It’s not enough to get the university to build the bouncy castle,” a leading orbital specialist said. “It is crucial to also fight to get small children into the new bouncy house, so that students can jump as hard as they can and send the tots flying.”
When asked how many children doctors recommend sending into orbit, they said, “At least three per day.”
It’s not like there’s anything useful in the Memorial Union anyway. Let’s be serious, a games lounge? What are we, five? We need our inflatable bouncy castle and we need it now.
Written by: Audrey Zhang – aurzhang@ucdavis.edu
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
