Why would you want to eat something so sexy?
By ALLISON KELEHER — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu
To whom it may concern:
I don’t know about you, but I am tired of eating turkey every year at Thanksgiving. Frankly, it’s unoriginal and boring. Why not spice things up with a nice smoked trout?
Ugh, I’m sorry — I can’t keep pretending. I started this article with the hopes of convincing you using persuasion, but that smoked trout thing slipped out, and I feel like I’m living a lie. Let’s start over. Hey. The name’s Ted. Ted the Turkey.
I’ve lived in Davis for my whole life and every year since my childhood, I see my fellow turkeys experience the most anxiety this time of year. It’s sad. Most of the year, we are content and free to frolic around the UC Davis campus without a care in the world. One time, I chased after someone on a bike to feel something. But once it hits November, we live in fear. I like to call it “Nervous November.”
Every year, when November comes around, I try to keep to myself and harass fewer students so that no one gets any bright ideas. This has worked so far, since I am a middle-aged turkey. However, I need to break my silence on this topic because I met someone. Her name is Tina. Tina the Turkey. She’s the most remarkable turkey I’ve ever laid my eyes on. Her feathers are so beautiful — specifically the tail feathers (if you know what I mean).
Tina is fearless. She chases after UC Davis students on the daily and I gobble it up every time. However, in November it’s a different story. She is overcome with fear and anxiety of being taken and put on your dinner table. This is because when she was young, one of her family members got taken away around this time of year. It was a slightly strange local who felt like they needed something fresh for their Thanksgiving. Now, Tina can’t rest during November.
As her boyfriend, I won’t stand for this. The other night, I caught her in the middle of the night scrolling on Reddit, reading turkey abduction horror stories, and I had to stop her from driving herself crazy. Once she went to bed, she was talking in her sleep about being chosen for the infamous presidential turkey pardon. This is getting to be too much, so I decided to take to The California Aggie and enact change in Thanksgiving culture.
Honestly, you could use some change, because why is it normal to stuff our insides with soggy bread and eat it? Your so-called “Pilgrims” were weird. I know this because I’m actually a descendant of the very first turkeys that were eaten at that Thanksgiving. It’s not something that my family likes to talk about. Once a turkey finds out that I’m turkey royalty, they always treat me differently — I just want to be like everyone else.
In conclusion, we should diversify our palettes at Thanksgiving, because it would really help me out. Thanks.
Best Regards, Ted (the Turkey).
Written by: Allison Keleher — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
