It’s rough out here
By ALLISON KELEHER — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu
The other day, I was taking a stroll through the Memorial Union (MU) Quad when I looked to my right and saw Gunrock lying face down in the grass. His shoulders were shuddering and there appeared to be a pool of tears collecting beneath him. I can’t lie, we have all been there, so I paused to go comfort our beloved horse.
“Gunrock, what’s wrong?” I asked as I rubbed his back to soothe the tears.
This resulted in a loud sigh and further sobbing from Gunrock. When he finally flipped over, I winced because his muzzle was all squished from lying face down on the ground. He sniffled a couple of times before I gave him a tissue to blow his nose. With a loud “HONK,” he blew his nose and then went to compost the tissue (since we are a sustainable campus).
When Gunrock returned, he sat down on the grass and began to spill the tea.
“She was amazing,” Gunrock said. “The most amazing horse I have ever met, and I was willing to give her anything she wanted. She is so kind — one time she stopped to give someone a ride to class when they missed the bus. And, she would never ask for anything in return.”
“Aww Gunrock, that’s so sweet,” I said, to support his healing process.
“But that’s not all, she had the most stunning body—”
I cut off Gunrock right there, because I’m not trying to hear all that. This resulted in a loud groan from Gunrock, since he was annoyed with my prude nature.
“All I’m saying is that her coat was beautiful,” Gunrock said. “She was a sleek brown stallion and the subject of all of my deepest desires.”
“Well, what happened, Gunrock?” I asked.
I regretted asking this question, because his eyes immediately welled up with tears and he slumped over onto my shoulder. I had to pat his back for a solid half an hour until he could compose himself.
To spare you the details, Gunrock eventually told me that she dumped him after their Valentine’s Day date. I felt bad until he proudly stated that they went to Raising Cane’s, since it’s ‘red inside’ and ‘an official sponsor of UC Davis Athletics.’”
Unfortunately, our mascot is not very romantic. His stallion showed up wearing her best horseshoes with the red bottoms, according to my sources. Her face reportedly appeared disgruntled throughout their entire date. Afterward, she sprinted away from Gunrock, tail billowing in the wind. Gunrock was left standing outside of Cane’s, with her rejected rose bouquet in his hands.
After all of that, Gunrock couldn’t muster anything besides laying on the ground and crying. Apparently, UC Davis Athletics is getting upset with him, because he keeps cancelling all of his appearances. However, Gunrock doesn’t care if they fire him, because he is entirely consumed by thoughts of his ex.
“Now, I’m so blue,” Gunrock said through the tears.
It was at this moment when I heard rustling in the distance, and a large horse came galloping toward our spot on the MU Quad. It was her. Gunrock was right — she is beautiful, and she is also several feet taller than him.
He looked up with stars in his eyes and began to apologize.
“I didn’t know where to take you for Valentine’s Day,” Gunrock said. “I’ve never had a lady friend before.”
She seemed to like this response, because they immediately began to make out right in front of me. That’s when I left them alone. In the end, I don’t have much more to report other than the fact that our mascot has no game.
Written by: Allison Keleher — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
