Do they hate you? Love you? A secret third thing?
By MADISON SEEMAN — meseeeman@ucdavis.edu
Nearly 30 minutes into my three-hour-long computer lab, I felt a strong disturbance in the vibes. Something was boring to me, strong enough to bypass all three layers of my incredibly cozy outfit. It was the kind of off-putting feeling that can only mean one thing — someone was staring at me.
You might think I was being a little self-obsessed. You might be shaking your head, thinking, “Maybe he’s not staring at you, Maddy! Maybe he’s tired and you’re in his line of sight.” However, an overthinker’s intuition is never wrong; The moment I turned to check if he was staring, he whipped his head away.
Guilty. As. Charged.
We’ve all been there — and if you haven’t, count your lucky stars. It’s exhausting to have to wonder what that stare might mean. Is my outfit really that cute? Do we know each other? Have I been walking around with red paint on my face all day? All of these have been true for me at one point or another.
But, how do you figure out what you have done to deserve the space you’re taking up in their mind? Or whether they are even thinking of you at all? There’s a science to it, and I consider myself a bit of an expert. Lucky for you all, I’m also willing to share! It’s an intricate process, but each cue gives you a piece to the puzzle.
To start, pay attention to the length of the stare. Have they been looking for a while? Are they stealing quick glances? The duration of a stare can tell you a lot about how much shame they feel about staring at you: The shorter the stare, the greater the shame.
Next, where are they looking? If it’s anywhere below your chin, it can be a bad sign — unless it’s a very good sign. Context is key; Ketchup on your pants, a wordy punchline on your shirt or new and blindingly white shoes — these may mean it’s less about you and more about the distraction your drip is providing. Alternatively, if your new sweater has been showered in compliments all day, you might have caught the attention of a casual fashion enthusiast.
Another thing: Are they looking at you from across the room? From out of their peripheral vision? Are you directly in their line of sight? In the case of the latter, it might be time for an ego check — she’s not looking at you, she’s just relaxing her eyes vaguely in your direction under the violent fluorescent lighting of the Wellman Hall basement. We’ve all done it!
Also, consider: How far did they have to turn their neck to look at you? Did it look painful? I find that any neck turn more than 26 degrees means they’re obsessed with you, but anything less and they could just be bored.
Facial expressions are another crucial clue. Consider mouth shape. There’s nothing more off-putting than someone staring at you with their mouth hanging open (unless you really want their attention). Are they drooling over you or are you just in the line of fire for their fantasies of lunch? Hard to say. A smile is usually a good sign, but, if it looks more like a smirk, it could be indicative of devious and evil intentions. Finally, a blank face is just the worst, because that could really mean anything.
You wouldn’t think to look at their hand shape, but next time you find yourself on the end of a mighty gaze, take a stab at it! If their fist is clenched, it’s a sure sign they’re possessed by something — whether that’s passion for you or something a bit more sinister.
There are lucky, lucky people out there who walk around with horse blinders, oblivious to any attention they draw. But, be proud. There’s strength in being paranoid and devoting precious class time to interpreting the signs being broadcasted at you.
So, whenever you start to feel the tell-tale signs of having caught the attention of someone with a staring problem, stop. Consider these factors. And jump to conclusions.
Written by: Madison Seeman–– meseeman@ucdavis.edu
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
