Finally, a law I can get behind
After months of lobbying and protests, legislators in a recent congressional session finally voted on and passed a bill to designate weekends “for the boyz.”
The bill was introduced to Congress after UC Davis fraternities decided to form a super PAC. With their monthly dues all put towards the same goal of creating a weekend specially designed for the boyz, the fraternities were able to create serious traction in the Davis community, and eventually their movement caught on at a larger scale.
The movement went national and there were a lot of congratulatory remarks, like “nice job, bro,” and “seven, seven, seven.” But the bros knew their work was not quite done. They had to get the backing of some congressman or congresswoman.
The fraternities did what they knew best to try to make the change they wanted to see in the world: they held killer ragers. Congressmen and congresswomen such as Nancy Pelosi could be seen taking shots. There was Kevin McCarthy playing beer pong with Paul Ryan while talking about plans to secure the Republican majority in Congress. Bernie was doing that thing in which you chug a ton of beer through a hose. It was crazy. But by the end, after most of Congress had either fallen asleep on the floor or thrown up a lot, they were all in agreement that weekends most certainly should be made for the boyz.
In a moving display of bipartisanship, party leaders from boths sides of the aisle came together, one after another, to voice their opinion that weekends are truly for the boyz, and that it was not only necessary, but a moral imperative that weekends in general be declared as national holidays for the boyz. At that moment, all who were watching the congressional proceeding were crying or at the very least close to tears.
And I know what you’re thinking: “Why can’t weekends be for the girlz, too?” And my answer to that is I have no idea. Sororities can’t even hold parties in general. I don’t think the girls can even drink in their house. So I guess talk to the guy who made that dumbass rule.
Anyways, enough of that boring egalitarian talk! Weekends are for the boyz! Hell ya!
Written by: Aaron Levins — adlevins@ucdavis.edu
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
