I will preface this by saying I am in no way a science major, nor do i intend to do anything science-related ever. But from time to time I like to dabble in the idea of it. Over the last three years, I have conducted extensive case studies and experiments to test just how capable Davis water is of wreaking havoc on the student body. I will try to describe my findings in the best way I can to convey just how special Davis water actually is.
While my practices were slightly unorthodox — and by that I mean they didn’t follow the scientific method (a thing I learned about once but then forgot the details of) — they led to results. I’m here to expose them to the world, or at least to my parents’ friends who read these articles. Anyway, here are some things I managed to contract from the Davis water and some reasons why I have personally chosen to stop drinking it.
Lowered IQ: Davis water is the only way I can explain why I’m not doing as well at college as I was while I was drinking the pristine mountain runoff water from my hometown. Once I realized it was the Davis water that was affecting my academic habits, I made the switch to caffeine and alcohol. While this hasn’t improved my academics at all, at least I know that I’m not destroying any more brain cells by drinking Davis water. I also drink Smart Water™ .I heard that helps.
Pink Eye: This is something nobody wants to talk about, but it happened. All I did was wash my face with the water from my sink, and both my eyes contracted pink eye. While this only happened once and I wash my face every day, I’m sure it was the water and nothing else.
Freshman 15 (apply this to every year): Every time I eat, I wash it down with water, and it’s certainly not my diet that’s sponsored by Trader Joe’s and Peets. They’re corporate, but they appeal to the average healthy American, and I trust them. Davis water? Not so much.
Student Debt: Simple as this: The longer I’ve been here, the more debt I’ve acquired and the more Davis water I’ve drunk. I heard all about “correlation equals causation,” and I’m using my own inference to support my hypothesis. (Sorry if I lost you there, I can’t help that I set the curve in O-Chem). Honestly this water makes you poor. Go buy some Voss™ or something — or, even better, move back home and watch your debt begin to shrink as you switch back to your home system of drinking water that provides you with home-cooked meals and minimal stress.
Study Concluded: Davis water is dangerous and should be dealt with carefully.
Written by: Rosie Schwarz — rschwarz@ucdavis.edu
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
