One crazed student is kicked out of school after sharing controversial opinion
When the universe created winter quarters, it made sure that, no matter the odds, every single time the air went cold, students would hate their lives. Returning in January always feels a bit stupid, like that one dumb chick in every horror movie who loves walking into basements with one exit and like four dead bodies and a sign that says “Danger!” and God himself saying, “Kid, no.”
Despite the fact that Winter Quarter is a modern black plague with few survivors, one student is still down as heck for the torment, claiming that Winter Quarter is his favorite.
“I just love the rain and how cozy everything feels!” third-year Ted Cruise said. “It’s the quarter that I came to Davis for.”
As Ted said this in the very crowded CoHo, time seemed to stop. A record scratch sounded from the speakers, which was odd because the music was definitely just some 20-year-old’s Spotify playlist and not a vinyl. A blender behind the counter blew its top off and sent a smoothie flying everywhere, but no one was phased. They were far too concerned with the monster in their midst.
“What the hell, Ted?” hollered his girlfriend across the table from him. “Are you serious? I… I can’t do this anymore. By the way, I never liked your cargo shorts. I lied. I gotta go. Tell your hamster goodbye from me.”
The woman sprinted away in horror and shock. Time stood still, until one brave person spoke up.
“Bro, you’re the worst person on this campus,” infamous ex-chancellor Linda Katehi said.
For once, no one disagreed with Katehi’s shift of blame. She walked around all day saying this to anyone who might accidentally cut in line or forget to compost, but now it was finally valid.
One of those old-timey “Looney Bin” carts with a little cage on the back (if you need help with this visual, just think of Belle’s dad in the critically acclaimed animated film “Beauty and the Beast”), and two men came bolting into the establishment.
“Everyone stay calm,” one of them whispered as the other one slowly placed Ted in a straitjacket. “You’re all safe now.”
They took Ted out to the cart, but not before Ted could say his last words to his beloved fellow students.
“Well, I guess the real lesson in the end is that society will never let us truly love things that are not conventional without being outcast by the very people you once trusted. I suppose I knew this all along… deep inside my heart. Alas, I shall never see my cherished Winter Quarter ever again, for I reckon that my room shall have no windows or doors, as I have been labeled a fool. Oh, fellow students, please remember me as the one who was crucified for his passions. Also, I pour my milk before my cereal.”
With that, the door to the cage was slammed.
Written by: Olivia Luchini — ocluchini@ucdavis.edu
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
