Does she have crabs?
The ARC Pavilion will be the first to host part one of the new live-action spectacle “Under the Sea, BP & Me,” a tale of a little mermaid who struggles to find love in a polluted ocean. The California Aggie spoke to the story’s writer, Scooby Droo, who gained critical acclaim for his play on the 2016 election, “A Tale of Two Shitties,” and his film about the monogamous relationship between a man and his horse, “Fifty Shades of Hay.”
The story opens with a mermaid being born and rejecting vaccinations. The doctors are primarily shocked that the baby can talk, and given her aquatic nature, the smell of the mother is thus understood. Alas, after the parents refuse to gender the child, the government breaks into the hospital room and steals the baby mermaid since they need her to investigate all the oil spills and toxic chemicals in the ocean. It’s at this point that the mermaid is definitively determined to be a female and not a merman, which has the body of a fish and the legs of a man.
Insert a montage with motivational music as we watch the mermaid grow up. She struggles with the problems that most of us confront: acne despite how many times she washes her face, existential dread as she ponders which career paths seem most appropriate and how to properly masturbate while on display at the San Diego Zoo, where the government trained her in secret.
It’s at this point that the mermaid is broken out of the San Diego Zoo by protesters, who accidentally kill a whale after shattering its tank without having a way to transport it. The mermaid is taken to the ocean and thrown in, as the protesters yell at her that she’s free. The protesters don’t realize that there are no other mermaids, so our mermaid will be quite lonely. So it goes.
The mermaid decides to head west. Everyone always talks about how great the West is. She realizes that, despite having learned how to read and speak by watching educational videos on Pornhub, she has no name. Thus the mermaid begins her quest and starts swimming as deep as she can. At the bottom of the ocean she finds several barrels of chemical weapons from WWII that are nearly leaking after years of decay and, without knowing their contents or meaning, takes her name after them and decides to start cleaning the ocean.
Thus begins the true tale of Mustard Gas the Mer-maid.
Written by: Drew Hanson — andhanson@ucdavis.edu
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
