Alternatives to an Irish Exit during the pandemic

But you really wanted to be there though!

In 2019 the Irish Exit was simple: float out of a gathering you no longer want to be a part of like a ghost. Some argue it’s bad etiquette––I argue that it’s a humble move. There are no awkward goodbyes or falsities like: “Man, I really wish I could stay!” I mean, are you royalty? Do you really need a formal exit and the exchange of fake pleasantries? 

In 2020, however, the Irish Exit becomes more complicated. There are only so many times you can lie about having bad WiFi. Never fear, because The Aggie is coming in clutch with some foolproof Irish Exit strategies during the pandemic:

1. At a socially distanced gathering, repeatedly say “Hey, I don’t think we are six feet apart yet” and keep on moving back until you disappear into the horizon––just out of sight enough to call yourself an Uber. This strategy is perfect because no one can question your commitment to public health, no matter how overzealous.
2. At a Zoom gathering, have your housemate stage a fake kidnapping attempt. Give your housemate a ski mask and have them put duct tape over your mouth and drag you out of the room. This strategy is really effective because you get a cool ice breaker to tell at the next gathering you go to. You can really only use this strategy once, however,  because how believable is it that a random college kid is worth kidnapping twice? 
3. Take a hammer and break your webcam. At your next Zoom party, make sure that everyone knows your webcam is broken. You can blame it on the aggressive Davis squirrels and say they attacked you and knocked your laptop down as you enjoyed an Insomnia cookie and some time in the sun. This excuse is so pathetic that people will pity you instead of question you. 
4. Take a page out of President Donald Trump’s book and spread some healthy misinformation. For a successful Irish Exit out of a Zoom party, spend a good few hours creating fake news articles that COVID-19 can spread through a screen. Post these articles on Facebook and your friends’ parents will inevitably share them with your friends. 
5. For a successful Irish Exit out of a socially distanced gathering, strongly allude to the fact that you are an anti-masker by using dialogue from anti-mask protest signs! A few days before the event, make sure to say things like: “Fear is the real virus,” “Sorry, did my civil rights get in the way of your virus?” and “Oxygen is essential!” Be sure to fervently express how much you want to be there. What you get instead is a gentle disinvitation. But hey, at least they know how much you wanted to be there!

Written By: Renee Wang –– reswang@ucdavis.edu 

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)