Transcribed from an audio file uploaded to the OChem subreddit
By ANNABEL MARSHALL — almarshall@ucdavis.edu
Host: Hi, welcome back to the podcast. I’m your host, in my final year here at Davis as a third-year theater major! I’m here with my co-host, Stu. Stu, why don’t you introduce yourself?
Stu: Hi, I’m Stu.
Host: Anything else? No? Okay. Anyway, “To be, or not to be?” That is the question in my favorite play, “Hamlet.” But our question today is much more fun. We want to know what students are excited about this quarter. Of course, “there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”
Stu: Why are you talking like that?
Host: It’s “Hamlet,” Stu. I just said that.
Stu: We have a caller.
Host: A caller? Okay. Hi, caller. What are you excited about this quarter?
Caller: Hi, I’m Hope.
Host: Hi, Hope! I hope you’re having a fantastic day. Get it, Stu?
Stu: I don’t get it.
Caller: I found your number on 4chan. I’d like to order a hit.
Host: Oh, no, you have the wrong number. That’s not me.
Caller: Are you not a theater major? Third-year? Always inserting Shakespeare into the conversation? Loves poison?
Host: You have the wrong person. I definitely do not order hits, nor do I know what you’re talking about.
Stu: “The lady doth protest too much, methinks.”
Host: Okay, now you know “Hamlet”? Really, Stu?
Stu: I read it for you. I know it’s your favorite.
Host: Oh my God. Hope, what are you excited about this quarter?
Caller: Well, I was excited about this hit. Now, I guess there’s nothing to look forward to.
Host: Okay, goodbye, Hope! That was fun. Also, do they usually have callers on podcasts? I thought that was a radio thing. Let’s not let those through anymore, Stu. Alright. Alright. We’re trying to keep it light, keep it fun. Stu, do you have an amusing anecdote for us?
Stu: Uh, I saw my TA at Chipotle.
Host: Okay. Go on, tell the story.
Stu: That’s the story.
Host: That’s not a story, Stu. That’s one sentence. A story has details.
Stu: He was wearing a blue shirt.
Host: Okay, moving on. It’s time for another sponsored message. Stu, where is the sponsored message? I wrote it down.
Stu: I found a receipt for rat poison.
Host: Put that down. Ah, here it is. The ARC is offering—
Stu: The ARC?
Host: Yeah, Stu. The ARC. The ARC is offering new—
Stu: What’s the ARC?
Host: The ARC, Stu. You know what the ARC is. It’s the gym.
Stu: There’s a gym?
Host: Yes, we have a— Stu. Do you even go here?
Stu: No.
Host: What? Why are you on the podcast?
Stu: I wanted us to be friends. I go to a school called Stanford.
Host: You know what? We don’t have time for this.
Stu: You should visit. It’s pretty famous. We can get frozen yo—
Host: The ARC Is offering new classes. Come try bungee jumping with your friends for only a $5 fee. You could be the first to survive!
Stu: Are you mad at me?
Host: No, Stu. We should stop doing this together, though. I think I’m going to move across state lines.
Written by: Annabel Marshall — almarshall@ucdavis.edu
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
