I am not open to suggestions
BY ANNABEL MARSHALL — almarshall@ucdavis.edu
9:00 am – Read the group chat full of “Are you ready to partyyyyy!!!???!!??” and consider going back to sleep and ignoring everyone.
10:00 am – Mimosas at Cheryl’s. Thanks for hosting Cheryl!
11:00 am – Obviously, by this time you will be blacked out. Send several texts to your dorm crush asking them if they are happy with the way life turned out for them.
11:15 am – Visit the Engineering Alumni Lounge and high five Dean Richard L. Corsi.
12:00 pm – Text your mom.
1:00 pm – Subvert expectations by stealing not a cow, but several freshmen.
2:00 pm – Vodka shots.
2:30 pm – Send a long, rambling email to Picnic Day Chair Jesse Goodman thanking him for his hard work and asking how the technology management minor is going.
3:00 pm – Find a group of high schoolers on campus and pretend to be a tour guide. Tell them Geidt is pronounced “Gut.” Tell them Anatomy is a good GE for non-STEM majors. Tell them the Eggheads come alive at night and roll at bikers like barrels in Donkey Kong.
3:25 pm – Watch the Battle of the Bands. Tell yourself you’ll look them up on Spotify the next day. Immediately forget the name of all the bands.
4:00 pm – Have a nice cry.
4:05 pm – Watch the hotdog dogs do their little race.
5:00 pm – Forget your roommate’s name. Call them Clancy for the rest of the day.
6:00 pm – Take a nap.
7:00 pm – Wake up, unsure of who those people stealing your lamps are.
7:05 pm – Impulse buy three of the following four things: concert tickets to a show for which you do not have transportation, a $100 Target gift card, helicopter lessons and an exotic animal.
8:00 pm – Break something in your friend’s house. Offer to fix it and, in the process, break it even more.
9:00 pm – Sit through someone who bought an overpriced film camera attempting to learn how to use flash on the fly. Homeboy, read the manual.
10:00 pm – There’s nothing like good ol’ fashioned public urination.
11:00 pm – Facetime your ex. If they pick up, ask them if they want to learn how to fly a helicopter to see Ed Sheeran in Vancouver.
11:55 pm – Biochem quiz on Canvas.
12:00 am – Venmo the guy going to get McDonald’s. I think his name is Rick.
1:00 am – Stay far away from those weirdos doing a massage train at the function. I never, ever need a stranger touching my trapezius. Eat your fries standing in the kitchen, like an animal.
2:00 am – Go home.
3:00 am – Go back out.
4:00 am – Exchange thirty Instagram handles with people you will never see again.
5:00 am – Start figuring out where the Panamanian White-faced Capuchin cage is going to fit in your room.
Written by: Annabel Marshall — almarshall@ucdavis.edu
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
