Not literally, just metaphysically
By CARMEL RAVIV — craviv@ucdavis.edu
To be honest, I’ve been hitting the gym a lot lately and just PR’d on bench press (35 lbs), so I feel confident in my ability to take out my frustrations and show off my two months of Krav Maga practice. I’ve been eating a lot of butternut squash tacos at the DC too, and my protein intake is the highest it’s ever been. Therefore, I’ve made a list of people I feel confident I could take on in a fight in the University of California, Davis vicinity.
- The Egghead in front of the library
- 15 squirrels (at once)
- ChatGPT (verbal argument)
- A frat brother working security (they have a 20% blood alcohol level)
- Two turkeys (at once)
- My RA
- David Dobrik (he has no affiliation with UC Davis, he just has a stupid face)
- Any electric scooter owner
- Anyone from Cuarto
- The people working the desk at the ARC (they seem low energy so I’d offer them a slurp of my Celsius but they’d get mad and post my ID on the UC Davis Snapchat story)
- A computer science and engineering (CSE) major (too depressed to fight back)
- Those lazy freeloaders in the hammocks on the Quad
Written by: Carmel Raviv — craviv@ucdavis.edu
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
