If you know anything that can help, speak now or forever hold your silence
By MAYA KORNYEYEVA — mkornyeyeva@ucdavis.edu
Look. I know that the following message may sound crazy. You might (perhaps rightfully) question my sanity. I urge you to cast those thoughts aside. Seriously. Toss them in a bin, cover the lid and hold it down tight.
Anyway, here goes: I think my body is the grazing ground for a passing-by cow spirit. Now, how do I know this? Well… there have been certain alarming and rather telling signs.
The first occurrence (dare I say, supernatural event?) occurred at noon last Friday while I was making a shortcut through the grass to get to the MU. My head was pretty empty: I had just submitted my last project for my one Summer Session 2 class. Thus, not paying attention to anything in particular, I zoned out for a little bit.
Out of nowhere I felt this sudden, drastic desire to munch the grass. On God. I honestly never considered myself as a veggie person, but I was about to throw away all of my prejudices if someone handed me a bushel of fresh green grass. You cannot imagine the stomach-wrenching feeling that something was quite wrong — I am a human, and normal humans don’t casually plop down in the Quad and start munching on grass.
A few seconds later the feeling passed, and by the time I had walked through the MU and toward the bus terminal, I came to the conclusion that maybe I was just hungry, or perhaps hallucinating. Probably the former. By the end of the day, it was as if the whole grass incident never happened.
Flash forward to three days ago. That evening, I peacefully went to bed and fell asleep immediately. Suddenly it’s 3 a.m and I’m being shaken awake by my roommate, who, eyes filled with concern, informed me that I had been “moo-ing” in my sleep. Not snoring, she avidly proclaimed, but letting out a series of characteristically cow-like “moos.” At this point, I wasn’t sure what to think. Maybe I had been dreaming about being a cow, prancing in a meadow — but like I said, memory blank, no recollection. I thought it was weird and went back to sleep.
I wish this was all I had to go on, but the instances of possession became much more drastic and frightening. Mere days ago I spent several hours walking around the living room on my hands and knees. Yesterday I purchased six barrels of hay, a cow bell and 15 assorted t-shirts (all with black and white cow spots) from TikTok Shop. That was 200 dollars of my hard-earned money, and at that point I had enough. I was packing my things to see either a psychic or a psychiatrist — literally anyone with the slightest professional ability to help me — when I realized that I should let the world know what happened to me.
Perhaps, wandering in a UC Davis hallway, there is another tragic soul who unknowingly took in a lost cow spirit. Perhaps they, like I, have no one to turn to and nowhere to go. So, if you are reading this, please don’t brush it off as the ravings of a lunatic. This happened to me for real, and all I am asking for is some friendly advice. If you know a kind wizard, the apparition that haunts F Street or even if you just casually own a manual on exorcizing cow spirits, don’t hesitate to reach out. I am desperate to set this thing free to join the other spirit cows before the start of fall quarter; otherwise, this is going to be a rough ride.
Written by: Maya Kornyeyeva — mkornyeyeva@ucdavis.edu
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