Riddle me this, Troll
By ALLISON KELEHER — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu
There’s a new trend developing on the UC Davis campus, and clearly, I need to know about it. Couples are flocking to the Arboretum in droves, with the hopes of strengthening their relationships. Some may think they are participating in the “love lock” tradition, going on a picnic or even just spending quality time together. However, this is much more serious than that. This involves a troll.
About a month ago, campus authorities discovered a troll residing under the love-lock bridge. He had a little bed made of discarded first-year dorm twin XL bedding and a stash of Shah’s Halal falafel. The troll is short and stocky, with a long ginger beard, and he frequently fashions a flannel and sweatpants that he also got from the first-year dorm dumpster.
Initially, campus authorities were unsure what to make of this troll. They watched him from afar for a couple of days and came to the conclusion that he was very boring. All the troll did was bathe in the Arboretum, eat and sleep. So, campus officials decided to follow their own logic and let the troll “come as you are.”
Once the troll was no longer under investigation, students began to observe the troll. Many were afraid to approach him, except for a few confident young men who decided to get some advice on their dorm situationships.
The troll, who hadn’t spoken throughout his residency, suddenly felt like he had something to say. As it turns out, he is an expert on love. Initially, people came in search of situationship advice, but after a week or so, the troll went mute and decided that he didn’t like answering the same questions over and over again.
Then, couples began to approach the troll in search of relationship advice. The troll was responsive to these questions, which solidified his role as the on-campus couples’ counselor for UC Davis. He attempted to give straightforward advice; however, these couples always ended up following their own advice instead. Enraged by the disrespect that he felt, the troll became more cryptic in his guidance. His sincere advice was replaced with metaphors and riddles.
Surprisingly, the students loved this. It felt more rewarding to mend their romantic pursuits when it seemed like it was their own idea. By solving this troll’s riddles, couples around campus were seeing magnificent progress in their romantic relationships. Jumping on the bandwagon of this success, couples around campus became obsessed with getting some face time with the troll. Some felt that if they were able to meet with the troll, their relationship would survive for eternity.
One of my sources claims their “relationship would have never made it past the three-month mark without the troll.” I doubted this, so I did some digging, and I acquired another source who revealed that “I’m only staying with my boyfriend because I don’t want to disappoint the troll.”
This logic seems flawed to me, but maybe that’s because I’m single. I’m surely unable to understand such complex nuances as advice from a troll.
Written by: Allison Keleher — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
