They might be late and semi-anonymous, but at least they’re sorry!
By MADISON SEEMAN — meseeman@ucdavis.edu
Your friends are sorry. From not commenting on your most recent Instagram post to making excessive “Breaking Bad” references, they know they’ve messed up. There are a number of little crimes we commit in friendships — little knots in an otherwise beautiful bond. However, confrontation is hard and awkward: that’s where I come in.
I’m here to deliver a series of apologies — a collection of statements that include everything from “I didn’t mean it” to “my bad” to even “oopsies.” Like a slightly-more-cynical-but-no-less-sincere cupid, I’m here to hit you with arrows of apologies. Think of me as a carrier pigeon of remorse or a pony express of regrets.
Anyway, here’s the list:
- I bumped into a friend of yours yesterday who wanted me to clear the air about how many TikTok videos he’s been sending you. He thought they might give you a giggle. And really, isn’t it a compliment that he wants to share his laughter with you? And okay, maybe 22 TikToks a day is 20 too many. He’s sorry! He won’t stop, but he’s still sorry.
- Some of your friends have voiced regrets to me about not having watched the YouTube video you sent yesterday. Can you blame them for not taking the time to watch a 10-minute video? Maybe you can, especially since they can set it at double speed. Still, they feel bad and they’re sorry! They’ve all just added it to their watch lists for later.
- A few of your friends told me that they’re really, really sorry they keep accidentally triggering identity crises with incredibly accurate reads that change the way you see yourself. They were just trying to be silly! They didn’t know telling you that you “give off Charlie Brown vibes” or “look a little bit like you were a horse girl” would be so devastating. It may be true, but they would all take it back if they could!
- One of your favorite classmates has already seen that meme you just showed them. They do feel bad about it. I mean, it was funny! But they have already seen it, so the laugh was maybe just a tiny bit forced. If it helps, they are sorry.
- You also have a friend who just watched that TV show without you. The guilt is killing them, but it got too hard to avoid spoilers, and they’re willing to pretend they haven’t seen it before to save your friendship, if you count that as an apology.
- One of your closest friends is sorry that your periods aren’t synced up. It doesn’t matter whether you’re not someone who even gets a period. She’s worried it’s a sign your friendship is going south, and she apologizes if she’s done anything to put them out of sync.
- Someone you know just can’t stop googling things mid-conversation — you can probably guess who. Well, they’re sorry for being too curious, and they feel some remorse for their ruthless pursuit of knowledge. Mostly, they’re sorry it’s annoying but not sorry enough to stop.
- Um, ok, let me see who else. One of your other friends has had trouble reading your frantic body language in public. She hasn’t quite put together that the way you’re pointing to the door with your eyes means you want to leave or that you’re trying to get her to — subtly! — look at the cute guy behind you. She feels a little bit like she’s failed you — or at least failed to bail you out of parties.
In the end, you may have some friends who are sorry about spontaneously bursting into song (but only part of the time), other friends who are sorry they can’t stop referencing shows you haven’t seen and friends that are just sorry they can’t remember your elementary school ex-boyfriend’s name (even though you talk about him, like, a lot).
But the beauty of friendship is that these little bumps won’t make or break a bond. Our relationships are stronger than jokes that don’t land and a little (or a lot) of off-key singing. Your friends are sorry, and they’ve sent me to deliver these incredibly compelling apologies to prove it.
Written by: Madison Seeman –– meseeman@ucdavis.edu
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
