Which came first, the oat or the milk?
By ALLISON KELEHER — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu
Early one morning, dawn broke over the UC Davis Tercero dorms. At about the same time, Jonathan heard the shrieking cry of his iPhone alarm from his bedside table. When he attempted to turn off the alarm, he missed, making him all the more angry. Once Jonathan finally turned off his alarm, he let out a loud groan of frustration at the morning light streaming in through his bedroom window. This was much to the dismay of Jonathan’s roommate, who rolled over and shoved his pillow over his head (Jonathan is not a good roommate).
Unfortunately, this was the morning routine for Jonathan, ever since he decided it was a good idea to take an 8 a.m. class in his first year. He would wake up, slam the alarm, make loud man noises and eventually get on with his day.
However, before he could leave the room, Jonathan needed his daily iced oat milk latte. Jonathan was a barista prior to beginning his education here at UC Davis, so he became accustomed to his daily coffee. His espresso machine was a high school graduation gift from his parents — it was the gift that kept on giving, as he could wake up every morning to the sweet notes of Colombian coffee beans.
This specific morning, Jonathan was in for a surprise: He was about to discover that he didn’t have any oatmilk. Unfortunately, this was because his roommate had used it all up during a late-night cereal excursion (Jonathan’s roommate wasn’t a good roommate, either).
Jonathan crushed his oat milk carton in anger, and a scowl erupted on his face. He was not going to have a good day. Jonathan refused to drink anything from Peet’s Coffee because he deemed it unworthy compared to his homemade lattes.
There were still 45 minutes until his class was set to start, so Jonathan began plotting his coffee plans. There was no time to go downtown for coffee, since Jonathan didn’t have a bike. Likewise, there was no time to purchase oat milk. Jonathan was overwhelmed with stress until he realized a perfect alternative right in his neighborhood — the dairy cows.
Jonathan refused to drink cow’s milk because it gave him unbelievable stomach problems, and yet, he still thought this was a good idea. In a frenzy, Jonathan threw on his robe and rushed out of his dorm toward the dairy cows.
When he arrived, he started screaming: “Which one is the oat cow!?”
Every employee was confused about who he was and what he was asking for. They tried to ask for more details when Jonathan barged into a cow stall and started to attempt to milk the cow.
“WHY ARE YOU KEEPING ME AWAY FROM MY OAT MILK?” Jonathan screamed in anger. This was when the authorities stepped in and restrained Jonathan. He resisted their attempts to restrain him — he seemingly was not okay in the head.
The authorities gave Jonathan some time to cool off before questioning him. However, that’s when they found out that a UC Davis student genuinely thought oat milk came from an oat cow.
“I thought it was like a GMO or something,” Jonathan reasoned. He then explained that, as a barista, you don’t need to know where the milk comes from, just where it’s going.
I think the moral of this story is that we need to check on our baristas to make sure they are okay. Clearly, they are arms-deep in their barista duties and don’t realize that alternative milks are plant-based. We must educate them, and if not for the baristas, do it for the dairy cows. Only you can prevent dairy farm break-ins.
Written by: Allison Keleher — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
